Take a good look at that picture. That was on a church pamphlet given to me by a preacher. Some goddamn crazy street preacher gave me that because Jesus wanted me to have it. You know, because I need to know more about the end of the world. Like I don't hallucinate it in my sleep every night. This motherfucker must not know who I am.

Take another look at that picture. That, my friend, is a serious wet dream whore of Babylon pinup. Pissed off seven headed apocalypse dragon? Check. Hot ass Latin chick with a sweet rack and a chalice of blood? Check. Purple haze, runnin' through my brain? Check. If I owned a van, I would airbrush this on the side of it and live in that motherfucker forever. Hell, just a van would be nice. You hear that, Jesus? I want a van to sleep in. I'm tired of living in a dumpster.



But look at what else we have on the inside. Tanks! Missiles! A helicopter! Guys with machine guns! Angels with flaming swords beating the crap out of each other! Mullet Jesus on a white horse! A bunch of shit on fire! A lady standing on top of a giant golf ball balanced on the nose of a dragon! A lantern-jawed antichrist and his evil Hindu secretary! A super soldier with lightsabers for eyes!

 But you know what? This is all bullshit. I've seen this vision in my head a thousand times, and the artist got it all wrong. First off, the guy in the lower left hand corner is Darth Carl. He's in the Apocrypha sections of Revelations fan fiction. His outfit should be black, and the eye sabers should be red. Darth Carl is Jesus' real father. He fucked Mary at a party while she was passed out. It wasn't widely publicized, but then what is?

Second, that bearded guy with the mullet and the headband isn't Jesus, it's supposed to be John Denver. But every scholar knows that John Denver doesn't actually lead the Angels into battle until after the fall of Darth Carl. I thought these people knew about the Bible? Although from the painting I can't tell if they were going for Patrick Swayze or David Koresh. Either would be more or less correct as they are both high ranking angel generals, but again the time frame is all screwed up because of the presence of Darth Carl. And then there's this:

It's a magic Christmas-in-Heaven Broadway disco musical, Vegas Style! Follow the whimsical adventures of Jesus and his friends Mystical Hebrew Robot Man, Lush-Milf the Tiger Queen, Grandpa Gus, and Hannah Montana as they destroy the solar system during a cosmic game of planetary dodgeball. Hilarity ensues.

Jesus, my ass. That's the Burger King on a magic sparklehorse. You're telling me when I die I go to Burger King? Screw you, crazy people church. Screw you.

Follow Points in Case on Twitter.

Join The Second City writing classes on satire, sketch, and TV - 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.