So, I like my iPod Mini, but I’m not crazy about it. I can never understand why people say that Apple products are so ‘sexy.’

‘ooooo the lines on the iPod are so sleek and sexy’
‘ooooo look at my tiny white headphones, they’re so sexy’
‘oooooooo it’s got a circle and I can touch its center button’ (Ok. That is hot)

Yes, you the woman in the front row:

“’Sexy’ doesn’t always mean ‘sex.’ You know. It can refer to sensuality or beauty or that intangible wonder.”

No, not you, the woman with the huge knockers.

“Have you seen the new nano iPod?”

You just ruined the bit, I was just getting to that.

Have you seen the iPod nano? Oh, my gosh, this thing is amazing! I swear to god, I am not getting paid for this, but when I see the commercial, I think the iPod is so sexy that I actually get an erection.

It’s so small and sexy, I just want to mount it and slobber all over it while making sweet, sweet love to it. I want to throw it around the bedroom and use every piece of furniture to fully enjoy its form. I want to turn it all the way up, and then all the way down. And then all the way up again. I wan to use it with a remote from across the room. I want it to be in my lap on my way to work and at every break.

I have a fantasy of being the size of a fruit fly. As I walk up to the giant nano iPod, I slide my hand along its side marveling at my own reflection mirrored in its shiny surface.

And then I’m awake again and I’m covered in a cold sweat. My sheets need washing. I trudge across the street. The next night. It happens again.

I looked in my piggy bank and I saw what I knew. I had not the money to purchase the gadget. Who in their right mind does? Who in their right mind feels the need for 1,000 songs at instant beck and call?

Don’t get me wrong, I love my iPod mini that was given to me, but it looks clunky and clumsy now. I figured it out this time. I’ll just wait six months and get the next line that comes out: fingernail sized. Wear it like a ring. It will hold a million and one songs and of course, it will be sexy.

Hand me the lotion and tissues. That commercial is coming on again.