Ciao, Cenotaphs,

One of the disadvantages of Mortality is this whole "Death" thing. Oh sure, you might have been a race-car driving, crime-fighting playboy neurosurgeon who owned a conglomerate of carbon neutral orphanages for baby seals, but one fatal mistake and you'll be "that guy who died with the beehive up his arse." People, please try and shuffle off this mortal coil in dignified circumstances, lest you find yourselvs turning up your toes under an eternal monument like one of these…


"He Thought that the Polar Bear ‘Looked like it needed a hug."

"Died a virgin. Well, technically. In at least two holes."

 "She finally found her Edward Cullen. In the sense that her killer drained all the blood from her body and then fucked her corpse"

"Husband. Brother. Mother to the three thousand eggs the tick laid in his brain."

"Survived by their long-term partner, Keith Richards, who has requested access to all their viable organs."

"Unbroken Guinness World Record Holder for Most Painful and Drawn-Out Death".


"Donated body to Science. Science: ‘Thanks but no thanks".

"Finally lost 168 pounds permanantly"

"Sold soul to Devil for Eternal Life; currently stuck in a perpetual reincarnation loop as lobster in restaurant tank at Fisherman's Wharf, San Francisco."

"Mau! Diddy Mau!"

"With the Angels now. At least until Drew Barrymore, Lucy Lui and Cameron Diaz win the injuction to get the corpse out of their fucking house."


 "Died. Eventually."

"Lived to the ripe old age of 112. Well her body did, thanks to the machines that kept her organs working. We're guessing her brain packed it in around 30".

"Died doing what they loved: Screaming and Running".

"Colour-Blindness and Air-Traffic Control Do Not Mix"

"He was the straw that broke the camel's back. So the camel ate his face".

"Also buried in Plots B, E, K and M. And possibly O, if the FBI ever find the head."

"Wanted to die underneath one of the stars of LOST during phenomenal sex. Never expected it to be Hurley".