I heart Netflix

Dear Netflix,

I adore your service. Because of you, all I need to do for entertainment is walk to the mailbox and update my Queue—which I do more than I check my Facebook profile. But I've found a way to make Netflix even better.

Send porn randomly.

But also, seriously, make me the Netflix spokesperson. I'm the hugest and hottest celeb in Colorado right now (well, the hugest and hottest celeb in my Colorado apartment), and I actually use and enjoy your product. Plus, in these economic times, I'll work cheap. To start, to show you I'm a team player, you'll only need to pay me about $100,000 a month, along with a free 8-At-A-Time subscription.

Think about it. How else could you improve the illustrious Red Envelope besides having an up-and-coming fan favorite as your mouthpiece? I'd even make out with Charlize Theron in a nationwide commercial, for the sake of your company.

People love it when a company like yours teams up with a person of interest. Like me! Just like William Shatner paired with Priceline.com, I guarantee directly after your first commercial starring me airs, people will associate Netflix with such KC traits as: awesomeness, superior ninja fighting skills, outbursts of funny, spontaneous squirting orgasms, and possibly watching cartoons while you're high. Who knows what other crazy shit people think of?

As I'm waiting for your answer, I'll continue smoking weed and watching Speed 2: Cruise Control—the same disc I've had for three months but haven't returned…because it's Netflix and I don't have to return shit if I don't want to!

Most sincerely,
Casey Freeman
Future Spokesman For Netflix
Or Mike & Ike Candy.
Or New Era Baseball Caps.
Or Jameson Irish Whiskey.
Or Brazzers.com.

Follow Points in Case on Twitter.

Join The Second City writing classes on satire, sketch, and TV - 10% off with code PIC.

Check out events at The Satire and Humor Festival in NYC March 22-24.