Like Christmas, the Super Bowl only comes once a year, and my god is that a glorious day. It’s the one day a year when football man and common man get to come together, have a beer, and comment on how Peyton Manning's head looks like that of a fucking fetus.
With the Super Bowl just ten days away, I thought I would share with you my idealized vision of that glorious day.
9:00AM – Wake up after a night of God only knows what happened to find half of the sub you bought from Sheetz is still in the fridge.
9:02AM – Eat sub in two bites, shit brains out.
9:10AM – Get on Facebook, only to see that slutty ex-girlfriend is "No longer in a relationship." Laugh because she’ll be lonely on Valentine’s Day, and you’ll still have the comfort of food and alcohol.
9:15AM – Begin a rambling AIM conversation with your best friend about how your team definitely has a shot next year.
9:27AM – Notice embarrassed-looking Asian chick leaving roommate's room and scurrying out your front door.
9:30AM -Nap.
2:00PM – Wake up just in time to see the end of a major college basketball upset; realize that we’re a month away from March Madness.
2:02PM – Innocently Google Image "Christina Hendricks."
2:04PM – Masturbate.
2:06PM – Round 2.
2:10PM – Roommate wakes up smelling of General Tso’s and candle wax. Proceed to make 15 straight "Love you long time" jokes at his expense.
2:15PM – BONG HITS.
2:20PM -BONG HITS.
2:25PM -BONG HITS.
2:30PM – 3rd roommate wakes up and offers to drive everyone to Taco Bell.
2:40PM – Seven Burritos are ordered….
3:00PM – Sing "Party in the USA" on the way home and in no way feel gay.
3:15PM – Vomit….
3:20PM – While looking for water in the fridge, you notice beer left over from college football season.
3:21PM – Decide against old beer.
3:25PM – Begin drinking months old vodka and Gatorade to get into "Playing Shape."
3:35PM – Time for some John Madden football.
4:35PM – Wax roommates ass 51-0, do the Icky Shuffle.
4:45PM – Shower beers.
5:00PM – Leave for cool ass buddy's party, talk about on the way over how his place is going to get fucked up because of the party.
5:20PM – Arrive, immediately scan room for females who you could possibly sleep with. Upon finding none, decide to get blindingly drunk.
5:45PM – NACHOS!
6:00PM – Ignore "I love you" text from slutty ex.
6:05PM – Begin smoking the hookah.
6:10PM – Smoke the hookah for the duration of "Freebird" while wearing the gas mask attachment.
6:15PM – Cough up right lung.
6:25PM – Laugh at the fact that ”Colt” means baby horse. OOOO! HOW MENACING!
6:25-30PM – Discuss the merits of the 3-4 vs. the 4-3 defense with roommate; all done over the National Anthem.
6:30PM – Get slightly tingly feeling in your stomach as you watch the opening kick-off.
6:45PM – Hug a random girl after the celebration of the first touchdown. Grab her ass and pretend like it was an accident.
7:30PM – End of the 1st quarter. Piss, then NACHOS!
7:35PM – Watch Tim Tebow’s anti-abortion commercial. Crack a great dead baby joke. Get scolded by a hipster kid whose girlfriend is a friend of a friend. Beat his ass, toss him on the lawn, receive standing ovation from your fellow partyers. Facebook his girlfriend tomorrow.
8:00PM – Finally, a kind of funny commercial. Babies and chimps are involved.
8:05PM – HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT’S THE BUDWEISER FROGS!
8:30PM – A last second Hail Mary puts the team your rooting for up by 3 at the half. Time to shit.
8:35PM – Since The Who are a fucking snore, you decide to spice things up by freestyling the entire Aristocrats joke. Your "Then the mom sews up the circumcision with the dad's pubic hair" spin goes over gangbusters.
9:00PM – Games back on. NACHOS!
9:15PM – Fall asleep accidentally.
10:15PM – Wake up at the beginning of the 4th to a tie ball game. Chug Red Bull.
10:45PM – Someone ordered pizza!
11:30PM – The game ends when the team your rooting for makes the ballsiest call in the history of everything. Instead of kicking the extra point to tie things up, they go for two and the win and fucking get it. You start crying/cumming with joy.
11:45PM – Clean up tears/semen in your buddy’s bathroom. Proceed to vomit/shit up a storm.
12:00AM – Tell your roommate who stopped drinking 4 hours ago you need to leave FAST.
12:30AM – Hit your bed running, but remember to set your alarm for class.
Enjoy the uh…Senior Bowl!