Today marks my first foray into YouTubing… or, more accurately, putting my videos online ANYWHERE. (Hey, it's not called the fine PRINT of college life for nothing.) I'm actually painting the bathroom yellow, but that's only because I didn't have to poop at the time.

The first thing you probably noticed is that the narration is more awkward and forced than the worst of Mikey's standup jokes. And this, WITHOUT an audience. I think it's fair to say I'll never be getting in front of a live crowd (not that they'd let me).

The second thing you probably noticed is that my Home Depot painter's hat RULES.

The third thing you might have noticed is that there is no toilet paper holder at the moment. I always hate it when a commercial establishment's bathroom has toilet paper rolls sitting around on their sides. Especially if there's a toilet paper HOLDER right next to it. I always feel like that particular stall must have so many people shitting in it all the time that people are scrambling to supply it with more toilet paper. That, or people who go into that stall take really big shits. Either way I'm uncomfortable.

Speaking of toilet paper, have you ever gone into a stall with only an empty roll in it? You have to wonder whether the last person to take a shit actually got all the toilet paper they really needed, or whether they had to do a stain-fold, or a paper mache. (And yes, I just coined two wiping phrases, feel free to use either under this Creative Commons license Creative Commons License).

The weirdest thing about my bathroom though, is that every time I sit down to take a shit, I hear my neighbor's land line phone ring next door, assumingly through the ventilation fan. Either these people are so cool they're off the hook, or they've somehow rigged my toilet seat to alert them every time I'm taking a shit. Either way, I'm uncomfortable. (No cameras, please.)