Dear Brett Favre:

You are a drama queen. Eat a bag of shit.


Dear Miss California USA Carrie Prejean:

There's nothing wrong with posing topless. There's nothing wrong with being vapid and hot. There's nothing wrong with having and voicing an opinion. There's also nothing wrong with gay marriage. But three out of four ain't bad.


Dear Somali Pirates:

Sorry the first world uses your country as a dumping ground for toxic waste. Hopefully the US will find a way to leave you alone so you can plunge back into the depths of chaotic civil wars.


Dear Swine Flu Vaccine Pushers:

Malaria kills something like 2000 people an hour and we're worrying about this? Fuck your pansy flu. Why don't you assholes work on something important, like a drug that makes fat women look like Jessica Alba?


Dear Iran:

Good luck with your nuclear weapons. Once you get that shit up and running, I'm sure selling out your citizenry to become our allies in the name of world domination will feel a little bit like kissing your sister.


Dear Tampa Asshole Who Killed His Girlfriend's Baby:

You win the prize for Most Fucked Up Human Being I've Ever Heard Of. And I'm the kind of guy who goes looking for fucked up people. (Some call it: dating.)


Dear American Automakers:

I'll miss you the most, Scarecrow.


Dear Ron Paul:

Fight the good fight, hoss. Freedom from tyranny is the most important freedom in the world. And we are ALL ruled by tyrants.


Bristol Palin with her son Tripp on FOX News interviewDear Bristol Palin:

You preaching abstinence is like me preaching sobriety. Sure, we know what we're talking about, but shit lady… I mean… Seriously? Jesus.


Dear Arlen Specter:

You are a drama queen. Eat a bag of shit.


Dear Executives at Bank of America, Wells Fargo, GMAC, Citigroup Inc and Morgan Stanley:

You're welcome for all of the tax dollars. I cannot think of a more noble goal than giving money to the rich so they can continue exploiting the poor. Also, eat a bag of shit.


Dear Kiefer Sutherland:

When they're bigger than you, the head butt is often the way to go. And everybody's bigger than you.


Oprah Winfrey posing like a snobDear Oprah:

You are so rich and powerful that I am yet to hear the “It's not like she's the first black woman to start a riot at Kentucky Fried Chicken” joke. You go girl!

(Not for nothing, but usually Paul Frank writes that kind of joke. The fuck has he been up to?)


Dear Los Angeles Dodgers:

Our planet is the third one from the sun. You can come back down to it any time now.


Dear Paula Abdul:

You are a drama queen. Eat a bag of shit.


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