I'm in Chicago right now, at my sister's condo. Something's wrong with her cable box or remote or something, so her tv is stuck on NBC.  When I'm not out exploring the city, I want to unwind with some Lockup or Locked Up Abroad. But no. All we get is the Olympics. The Olympics, the news, more Olympics. Repeat of the day's Olympics. Instead of watching prison shows on tv, I'm stuck in a tv prison.

I don't have much interest in the Olympics, other than pulling for them to come to Chicago in 2016. In fact, I generally avoided Olympic coverage on tv. It just doesn't do it for me. I'd rather watch preseason NFL games, and preseason NFL games are horrible.

But now this Olympic punishment has made me more aware of the Olympics than I ever wanted or needed to be. As I'm watching it, eventually I can't take it anymore and go to change the channel, then remember I can't.

Although I must admit I was pretty entertained yesterday. Between the divers hitting the showers between dives, the hot 16 year old gymnasts, and the women playing volleyball in the skinniest bikinis humanly possible in the pouring rain, I no longer have erectile dysfunction. The Olympics is my Viagra. (Do I still need to get immediate medical attention if I have an erection lasting longer than four hours?)

The first thing that turned me on (…to the Olympics) was the beach volleyball. The women athletes are wearing very small bikinis for no reason. Seriously, they could play just as good in jeans. It's fucking volleyball. I've seen pornos that showed less skin. I've also played just as good in the backyard as the Olympic gold medal-winning team plays. When I watch diving or gymnastics, I can tell that those athletes are really talented and that the flips and spins they are doing are beyond anything I could ever do; but the beach volleyball, on the other hand, looks like any casual match-up you'll see on a college campus or a backyard barbeque. Except the women aren't wearing any clothes, and the rain was coming down hard onto their glistening tan sand-covered bodies and white see-through bikinis. Please excuse me for a monent.

Okay, done. 

I find myself rooting against America in every event. And I like America. It's just I cringe every time we win an event and run around the stadium waving an American flag around and trying to start a "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" chant. The world doesn't need another excuse to bomb us. They already hate us.

I hope North Korea, Iraq, Iran, and Syria win every event. Not because I'm a terrorist, because I'm a patriot.

They should have the Special Olympics be just like the normal Olympics…and televise it. Nothing would be more entertaining than seeing someone in a wheelchair trying to dive off of a 30 foot high board. Seriously, what are the Special Olympics events currently? Drooling? Screwing Up Math Problems?

Also, since the Oxygen Channel is owned by NBC, some Olympic events are being aired on it. I can only guess what events Oxygen is airing. Women's Crying? Sappy Soap Opera Watching? And they probably don't give out any medals because everyone's a winner. Ha, women are funny (not literally).

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