So, I'm drunk. It's 3:59-make that 4 A.M.- and I'm piss drunk.

Now, what I'd like to talk about is how people write AIM away messages when they're drunk. As you can see, I'm quite capable of typing in complete, coherent sentences. No fragments, even. (English majors, get the fucking joke).
I'm sick of seeing away messages like this: “OHHHHDH3454 LORDY CHIRST I IS DURNK DRUKN ADN UUUU SHHHOLUD V IMPRESSTED.” Yes, you're drunk, and yes it's probably amusing to you when you're drunk, but when you wake up in the morning, do us all a favor and follow my patented Removing Shameful Away Messages Technique:

First, get out of bed. Life is short, and even though you've got a hangover, they make sunglasses, advil and more booze to make you feel better. Which reminds me, I've had the best success dealing with hangovers when I allot myself one beer for the morning. Nazareth gives us an important lesson in saying “Now you're messin' with a–a son of a bitch” on their “HAIR OF THE DOG” tour (1976, I believe?). Nothing like a little bite back in the morning to get you ready for your long day of moping around and being a worthless alcoholic.

Now that your thirst is fully quenched, make your way back to your computer and read your away message. I promise you, you are not the Robin Williams of IM. It wasn't funny last night. It isn't funny now. Click the “I'm back” button or whatever and step away from the computer.

Your next task involved gathering up all the knives in your house, though any sharp metal object capable of impaling a fetus or small kitten will do.

Once you've gathered up all Xacto knives, spare keys, emo kits and whatnot, you're going to need to find a high-grade beltsander. I don't particularly care how this is done, just do it . What you want to do is remove all of the nice polish from the surface of these metal objects, leaving a dull luster.

Next, fill your bathtub with these utensils, starting with the biggest sharp objects and filling in the gaps with the pin knives and what have you thereafter. Then, fill your bathtub with water and allow this to settle for a few minutes. When all of the pieces of metal are thoroughly soaked, you'll need the next two objects in the process…liquid nitrogen and a sledgehammer.

Carefully pour the liquid nitrogen into the tub, allowing the material to freeze and turn a light bluish color. The water should allow for a deeper freeze. The sledgehammer, if you haven't gathered it by now, should be used to break these into small bits. This may take a few swings, just be careful about hitting the tile in your bathroom…we don't want your parents to lose that security deposit now, do we?

After all of the pieces are broken to small bits, you'll want to wait a few months for this to rust over. You can blow pure oxygen over the pile to speed up the process, but let's be honest, there's really no need for an anti-social fuck like you to shower when you're getting drunk in your room alone.

Next, you're going to need duct tape, some rope (YOU ALWAYS NEED ROPE), a small wading pool, two fairly large, starving horses, a grocery bag full of carrots, and about 20 gallons of rubbing alcohol. Also, you may need a shovel and/or a pair of gloves. In essence, what you want to do here is shovel the bits of rusty shrapnel into a hole that's just deep enough for you to fall into without being able to desperately claw your way out of, yet not wide enough for horses not to be able to jump over.

The horses should be held by a friend (if you don't have friends, I'll be happy to help), a few yards away, with the swimming pool filled with rubbing alcohol tethered with relatively strong rope behind them. The carrots should be placed at the other side of the hole, with makeshift barriers to the left and right of the hole making it necessary for the horses to jump over the chasm–a chasm you've made sure to already fill with pointy things, yes? It should be added that, you and your friend might want to have a code-word prepared…such as “ready!” or “I'M DYING OF WRITHING AGONY!” , so that the friend is understanding that you are prepared for the rubbing alcohol bath.

Now…jump in the pit you fucking worthless excuse for human life. Jump and roll around in that pit of rusty shrapnel…embracing every single crevice as it penetrates your skin. You see, Retard, pain teaches you a lesson…like that time you stuck your finger in the electric socket or licked that car battery.

Follow this with a call to your friend; allow him to unleash the horses of the apocalypse on you. As you hear the gallops of these heinous beasts, dive deep into the pit of oxidation, allowing the jagged edges to slice your toenails, testicles and teeth. As the rubbing alcohol pours over, cleansing you of this unforgivable shame, remember that if you don't die, you'll have learned your lesson. Do not follow the light. I'm not trying to kill you; just teach you a valuable lesson about life. That is, that you're an idiot and you deserve lot and lots of excrutiating pain. 🙂

Trust me, if you go through it, not only will you not be a fucking moron again, but it sure as hell makes for a great scar story. Or set of novels.


“Gaudio awayyyyyyyy” (that's for you X)

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