Oh, hey Bristol. What's going on.

Cool, cool. So yeah, sorry I never called you after that night…

Glad you're over it.

Oh, you're seeing that Levi douche now?

I mean..what a great guy! Yeah, good guy, good. fuckin'. guy.

You look a little fat, Bristol. Are you a couple months fat?

Oh! You're pregnant. I hadn't heard.

Fucking Levi's the father?

Soooooo…what are you doing here at the abortion clinic?

Oh, just looking around?

Hey, did you hear abortions are half off this week?

They're practically giving abortions away!

Why are you frowning? What's wrong?

You look like you want to do something, but you can't.

Bristol Palin has huge boobs
Bristol Palin has a baby

Oh, yes, if only I could be that baby. Snuggled warmly and nestling in your plump, warm breasts! Oh, wait, shit, then a dude would be kissing me and I'd be gay! Oh my God I've never been so torn in my life!

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Writing Satire for the Internet, Sketch Writing, and Writing for TV & Film start Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.