Apparently, this summer’s rising gas prices are due to nuclear developments in Iran. I tell you, Exxon and friends must be loving this whole war in the middle east. Between the record setting profits, the constant oil price increase due to speculation of supply decrease, and the increase in oil consumption due to military operations, these guys must feel like they’re getting twenty four hour blowjobs each and every day. Not to be a smartass, but if America’s next president’s dad owns an ethanol company, I’ll bet the price of gas will go down. (I’m sorry, current administration. Don’t Patriot Act me. Don’t take away my freedom. I was just trying to be fair and balanced… you cock suckers. Oops, I didn’t mean that either… you war mongering fucksticks. All right, I’ll just stop. Seriously, I haven’t been drinking. Leave me alone.)

Words I’ve had to add to my spell check since starting for PIC: blowjob, fucksticks, dickhead, and bitchslap. Tell me this ain’t a quality site. Go on, tell me.

Apparently, there are some scientists out there who think that ADHD and ADD may have been created by the pharmaceutical companies. When I was younger and the world first heard of ADD, I asked my father what it was. His response: too much television and not enough exercise. The older I get the smarter he gets and all that.

There’s nothing funny about two lacrosse players accused of first degree rape. Unless they actually used those little catchy-post things when they were doing it. That would be funny. Anyway, I’ll bet Duke’s happy the lacrosse team’s in trouble and not the basketball team. Heck, if it were the basketball team, the resulting bribes alone would have caused a tuition hike. As it is, since no one cares about lacrosse, they can let the kids fry.

When I was in junior high and high school, not one hot, female teacher or principal ever tried to have sex with me. I guess I was a late bloomer or something.

Last night, while umpiring a softball game, I was sexually harassed by a group of older women who kept constantly making comments about my body. And seriously, I don’t know why you girls have a problem with this sexual harassment stuff. I freaking loved it.

Not for nothing, but Albert Pujols is the man. I just wanted to get that in here.

Anyway, since this is another one of those pieces where I gang rape logic and fluidity, I leave you with the following, which I saw on a sign at a local apartment complex’s swimming pool.

“Please do not bathe your pets in the pool. The pool is for humans only.”

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