I never really noticed this before, but if there is a cute girl working out somewhere near me when I am in the gym, I turn into Fergie and focus on workin' on my fitness. Luckily I stopped pissing my pants in public, and hopefully Fergie will also get that under control.

It's subconscious though. When I was running on Monday, I ran two miles then lifted. Today, when the sexy little mixed girl was jogging next to me, I ran three miles before I lifted. It's not like I planned to run that extra mile to impress her, it's just somewhere in the back of my mind a voice told me that today was the day I was going to jog that extra mile. I now know that voice was my penis, and that he really does have control over most of the choices I make.

I even started lifting the heavier weights when she came in and I offered her advice on how to tone her arms and not look like a man. This surprised me because I don't know shit about lifting weights in general. I just know that I tone when I lift because strength isn't my biggest concern. Also, I barely passed an anatomy class my freshman year, so I think most of the muscle groups I described don't actually exist.

So as much as I try to deny it, beautiful women really do make me work harder in general. That's not saying ugly women don't motivate me, but beautiful women cause me to focus on staying in decent shape so I can move up in the dating league. Sexy girls make me aim for the majors when I'm doing something. Average women put me in a comfort zone so I'm content with the minor leagues.

So to the beautiful ladies out there, keep going to that gym and keeping my ass in top physical shape. Average women, you should be hitting the gym a little more often don't you think?

 

Trivia Time! What movie does this line come from? "Half shark plus half man equals one complete gentleman."

Also, bonus points if you can name the band who has a song with the same quote as above.

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of TheOnion.com, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.