Well, this week finds the Religious Rong winning another battle against love, compassion and fairness (honestly, American fundamentalist Christians seem so diametrically opposed to everything that nice Jewish boy Jesus Christ stood for they might as well just cut out the middle man and call themselves Satanists) by joining California's battle-cry of "Constitution, Schmonstitution!" and outlawing Gay Marriage in that state.
Bite my ah-yuhss, Chowdah-heads! I hope something fittingly monstrous from Maine-resident Stephen King's imagination is the reward for your bigotry.
"…I'VE GOT BALLOONS AND COTTON CANDY AND CIVIL PARTNERSHIPS…"
-Honestly, what exactly is the Wingnuts' major problem with Gay Marriage? We design your dresses, do your hair and makeup and dance in g-strings at your Hen's Nights, but we want one little ring on our finger and all of a sudden we're Gollum at Mount Doom?! A lot of fundawhackos say that Gay Marriage is forbidden by the Bible, but I don't recall seeing anything in there about "Thou shalt not get hitched to that comely gardener who looks like Justin Timberlake with a better ass if you are also packing a sausage lunch"; Jesus himself was single and unmarried, living with his parents in his thirties and often preached about being a "fisher of men"—I'm sure he would have been thrilled if Saint Peter had offered to make an even-more-honest man out of him.
"WELL SHIT…. I GUESS WE'RE HONEYMOONING IN SWEDEN"
But all the matriphonial mayhem the Religious Rong have been throwing around lately like rice at a (Straight) wedding has gotten me thinking about Gay Marriage, and the trials and tribulations that I'll have to mull over if Casey or Andrei ever pop the question to me:
PROS AND CONS OF STRAIGHT VERSUS GAY MARRIAGE :
STRAIGHT: Throwing rice outside church attracts/ hurts stomachs of local birds
GAY : Throwing rice outside church attracts Rice Queen looking for Thai Rent Boy.
STRAIGHT: Disgruntled ex posts sex-tape of groom on YouTube.
GAY: Disgruntled ex posts sex-tape of groom as critically-acclaimed series on HBO
STRAIGHT: Roses strewn in bride's path cause slipping hazard.
GAY: Sparkly rainbow glitter thrown in bride's path blinds mothers-in-law.
STRAIGHT: Bride/groom's baby sister as ring-bearer; gets nervous, cries.
GAY: Bride/Groom's white-tiger as ring-bearer; gets nervous, eats vicar.
STRAIGHT: Sailor groom can have captain perform ceremony at sea.
GAY: Sailor groom can have ceremony performed by cop, indian chief, leatherboy, construction worker.
STRAIGHT: Priest may find fault with couple, halt ceremony.
GAY: Priest may run off with groom just before ceremony
STRAIGHT: Best man loses ring
GAY: Best man loses ring inside groom's brother.
STRAIGHT: Bride/Groom's crazy ex may hold up sign: "I've always loved you, please take me back"
GAY: Crazy Reverend Fred Phelps may hold up sign: "God hates Fags Burn in Hell"
STRAIGHT: Groom's dad gets drunk before speech, embarrasses groom with tales of own first few dates with groom's mother.
GAY: Groom's dad gets drunk before speech, embarrasses groom with tales of how he only married groom's mother after being caught rimming star quarterback in locker room.
STRAIGHT: Empty tin cans tied to back of Limousine make annoying sound.
GAY: Full Amyl Nitrite poppers tied to back of Toyota Prius ignite on road, blow up passing taxicab.
STRAIGHT: Celebrity Marriage Celebrant Sharon Osbourne brings family along; Ozzy pees in punchbowl
GAY: Celebrity Marriage Celebrant Britney Spears forgets underwear; Justin Timberlake has threeway with groomsmen.
STRAIGHT: Bridesmaids fight over colour and style of dresses.
GAY: Drag bridesmaids fight over which one of them gets to be Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda.
STRAIGHT: Should Bride wear White?
GAY: Should butt-plug be glow-in-the-dark?
STRAIGHT: "Wedding March" or "Here Comes the Bride"?
GAY: ABBA's "I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do" or Meryl Streep's version?
GAY: Groom worries Best Man will tell everyone they fucked at Bachelor Party.
STRAIGHT: Groom *also* worries Best Man will tell everyone they fucked at Bachelor Party.