Welcome to my first blog post ever written ON THE TOILET! I hope you're as excited as I am. In fact, you should even feel a little special–the toilet is kind of like a sacred “life timeout” for me, normally reserved for skimming Popular Science headlines, scrutinizing Playboy pictorials/Centerfold bios, and occasionally delving into a little fiction (short magazine articles only please).

But hey, I figured while I'm here, may as well lay down a couple of logs.

Have you ever read those Playboy Centerfold bios? You know, the ones that pull out and look like they were written by a 3rd grader? They always have the girl rate her turn-ons and turn-offs, and it's ALWAYS the same thing. In fact, I'm going to try to recall from memory this issue's Centerfold responses and then compare them to the actual responses.

MY PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS!

Turn-ons – humor, fun to hang out with, honest, polite, interesting, confident, tight abs, loves horses and money and fucking, intelligent

Turn-offs – jerk, prick, selfish, narcissistic, lying, unhumor, no fun to hang out with, self-centered (NoT LiKE mY PICtoriAL [email protected]!), flabby abs, small penis, dipping like its his job

STEPHANIE LARIMORE'S ACTUAL DESIRES!

Turn-ons – eye contact, good manners, intelligence, confidence, a sense of humor, nice abs and a smile : )

Turn-offs – arrogance, materialism, smoking, spitting, bad hygiene, drug use, shallowness and laziness

AHHHHHHHH!!!! AHAHAHAHAH!! STEPHANIE LARIMORE I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF!!! Minus “eye contact” I know everything you want in a man (and don't pretend you didn't put “loves horses and money and fucking” but decided to erase it after you were turned off by Hef trying to shove his wrinkles-of-steel, Viagra-pulsating member in your ass).

As for your turn-offs, I think I was on the money with “dipping like its his job” since that's basically a combination of spitting, smoking, bad hygiene, and laziness.

Hey does anyone know where the term “pushing the envelope” originates from? I can't think of any instance in which one literally pushes an envelope…

The laptop is starting to warm up my thighs…this is kind of awkward…

Ok, ALL DONE! To borrow a move from Scott Goodyer, below is the finished product!

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Who's hungry?! !
xoxoxo


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