First, let me apologize to my "old" favorite PIC writers: DeGraaf, Nelson and Court; my "new" favorite writers: Paul Frank, X, Moose and Bash; and my favorite writer of all time: myself. Now, I have a brand new favorite writer: Sarah Romeo.

Not only does she write stellar blogs, when she heard about my little neck accident she immediately went on the prowl for the perfect present ever. When she couldn't convince Megan Fox to blow me she ended up finding a way to get the entire Minnesota Twins to sign a baseball for me. Did you hear that? I still don't believe it myself. I own a baseball signed by the ENTIRE 2008 Minnesota Twins! This is quite possibly the best professional sports team in history — even though Kirby Puckett isn't on the team — and I own a piece of them!

This is the best gift I've ever received, and Sarah Romeo is officially the bestest person I've never met, and when I make my triumphant return to NYC I will happily invite her over to my place or a nearby bar to feed her drinks until she sleeps with me (because we all know I'm not going to The Bronx).

But this led me to think that I need to write a short "How To Give Me Presents" piece. If you want to send me stuff, and then want me to send you a photo of me wearing, holding or making out with your awesome gift, that's doable. (I got this idea from Jessica Jaymes— we're MySpace friends).


Anything featuring the Minnesota Twins: I already have a baseball signed, so you'll have to be extra creative if you want to beat Romeo. I'll take CU, NYU or SDSU gear as well.

New Era Baseball Caps: size 7 ¾ — I know, I have a huge head. And, Ladies, you know what they say about dudes with huge heads???

Flex-Fit Baseball Caps: I thoroughly adore these hats too.

Books by Chuck Klosterman, Christopher Moore, H.G. Wells or Jules Verne.

Alka-Seltzer Morning Relief: This shit kills hangovers dead.

Chap Stick: I'm addicted to it and I know it and I don't care.

Weapons: I know it's probably not PC to ask people you don't know for weapons, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm in desperate need of a katana, battle ax or another set of brass knuckles (then I'd have a complete pair — or DBKs where I come from.) I might buy myself a slingshot in the next few days, but if you want to buy me one too that's cool. You never know when you'll need two slingshots.

Gerber Knives: They fall into the "Weapons" category, but these things are fantastic. I prefer the straightedge switchblade-type to serrated-edge knives.

Whiskey: I prefer Jameson Irish Whiskey (any year) but will drink anything that's quality. I prefer Blanton's for Bourbon, Seagram's 7 for Canadian and Talisker 12 Year for Scotch. Remember, Jack Daniels is for girls and know-nothing rookies.

Beer: I rarely write drunk, but I often write hungover. I'm cool with whatever, just don't buy me Pale Ale, because I'd rather be sober than drink that piss.

T-Shirts: I wear medium or large. Just don't make it grey or white, or too busy with colors, designs and stuff.

Underpants: I wear boxer briefs size medium. (Bonus points if you send me booze AND whitey tighties, because I will drink the hooch and go to a party clad in only tighty whiteys.)

Money: I like cash. You can sell it.

Swimming Pool: Please go through the trouble of installing a pool on the roof of my apartment building that only my friends, hot chicks and I can use.

Drugs: I'm not really into drugs. That's everybody else on this site. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I'll take them and make sure they find a proper home. Now that I think of it, I'm running desperately low on gingko biloba.

Office Supplies: Just steal them from work and use your mailroom to get them to me. You're fucking your company and making me happy. Two birds with one stone!

Dogs Playing Poker Paintings: I've got about five of them. Well, the reprints and posters.

Convincing Fearless Editor Court Sullivan To Buy Us Business Cards: This way I can hand girls cool-looking business cards rather than my lame corporate cards. Also, my retard friends will quit visiting

Any Type of Sexual Relations With Megan Fox: This doesn't need an explanation, but I get to keep her underpants and her used toothbrush forever too.


Cheese: Don't call me a fucktard. I've heard it all before. I just don't like cheese. I like yogurt and milk, not cheese. More for you lardasses.

Chocolate: I don't really like chocolate either.

Yankees Crap: Just because I live and work in NYC doesn't mean I'm a Yanks fan. Same goes for Broncos Crap.

Shitty Comic Books: I honestly don't like it when people buy me comics. I like it when they're right, but when you're wrong, you're seriously wrong. Stick with hooking me up with Megan Fox and you'll be fine.

Send all your goodies to my actual address (I move back to NYC in two weeks):

Casey Freeman
8 Judge Street Apt. 3
Brooklyn NY 11222

P.S. The Official Casey Freeman Fan Club is shut down for a while. Actually, Court and I are the only members as of now. I don't have free access to postage (a la my company mailroom) so I can't mail you junk from my desk any more. Ask Court how awesome his package was. Once I have office supplies to abuse again, I'll start back up.