Welcome back to The Investor's Coroner, your weekly attempt to make both sense and fun of the current global markets and inform you of the happenings in the international marketplace while simultaneously inserting jokes with the grace and poise of Michael Meyers on a drunken killing spree.

It is a goal of The Investor's Coroner to help you understand just what's going on in this here economy. Or, barring that, maybe you'll learn why Jesus really only loves rich people, you heathens.

So What, You Say Recession and the Sky Falls In?
Okay, so every economic indicator in the world says we're in a recession, our GDP says we're in a recession, our dollar's at the weakest it's been since before I was born, our inflation is the highest it's been in 26 years and 47 billion dollars was pulled out of the stock market and put other places in the last month alone, yet our president swears that we are not in a recession. He's either an idiot or a liar and even though he's been running this country for going on eight years, I'm still not sure which.

Federal reserve chairman Ben Bernanke stated that he and his cronies are focusing on slowed growth and not inflation even though inflation is at the highest it's been in a long time. More rate cuts are coming?the only question is by how much?and the market responded to the news by sucking money out of stocks like a high-dollar whore hard at work. So, for those of you who are a little slower than George Bush, the Fed Chairman said he would focus on improving the growth of the markets and those very same markets ran away like a beat up bitch. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that market confidence probably ain't doing too well.

Give me Something to Invest In
The great thing about the global marketplace is that, even in shitty markets, there are oodles upon oodles of ways to make money. You see, when inflation kicks ass at a time of war, well, the commodities markets take off. Gold, oil, corn, silver, platinum, soybeans and wheat are all kicking ass. And lagging behind them are the companies that pull the gold, platinum, silver, corn, soybeans and wheat out of the ground. And behind them are the companies that make the machinery that make it possible to pull all that stuff out of the ground. And just behind them are the companies that provide the chemicals that help grow the corn, soybeans and wheat as well as the companies that help transport all the aforementioned commodities. Even in shitty markets, there are always leading industry groups and, especially in shitty markets, you must invest only in stocks within those groups.

Or you can keep smoking pot. Totally your call.

Initial Public Awesomeness
VISA is launching its IPO March 17th. For those of you who don't know, IPOs (Initial Public Offerings) are when formerly private companies offer stock certificates on the market (or go public). VISA may very well be launching the largest IPO in the history of peeing Os. One thing I've learned in life is that when a company issues an IPO and you have a) heard of that company and b) used their product with regularity, you should fucking buy as much of the stock as you can and hold it for five to eight years. I also noticed that mole on your neck. You thought I didn't but I was just being polite when I responded to your inquiry with: “What mole?” It really is rather ugly.

You Realize of Course that this Means a Price War
In response to the success of low-budget, flat rate programs by Leap Wireless and Metro PCS and to the purchase of blocks of wireless air (I wonder how they sell those) by Google, Verizon, AT&T and Sprint are all rolling out flat rate, all-the-minutes-you-want-for-X-dollars-a-month type of plans. Though this is awesome for consumers, it sucks for stockholders of Verizon, AT&T and Sprint, all of whom watched their shares fall. Nevertheless, the move had to be made and is generally considered smart. Kind of like my dancing.

Okay, so it's the opposite of my dancing. Whatever.

Google Apparently Not Bigger than Jesus
Google stock lost a few percentage points this week on news that it was restructuring its ad clicks to limit false clicks and improve advertisers' ability to get to consumers. Also, some analysts said that Google has lost its core focus because of all the freaky things it's trying to do like Google Health, putting a robot on the moon and investing in alternative energy. Here's my take: fuck you analysts.

I believe Google knows what they're doing. I just do. They haven't really screwed up yet. Their ideas are always ahead of the curve and they can sell us on anything because we're always going to their fucking search engine. Nevertheless, they are not Jesus. Moses maybe, but not Jesus.

Because I wanna Side Bar
This has little to do with the market, but McDonalds is delivering in China so it can compete with Yum Inc, which owns KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut, begging the question, why the fuck doesn't McDonalds deliver here? Imagine how much money the Golden Arches would make if they stayed open until an hour after the bars closed and delivered greasy food to would be wastees. Shit on a stick that would be awesome. Big Mac attack at 4 AM? Sign me the fuck up.

New Index is Foreign, Weird
Standard and Poor's has decided to create two new indexes to appeal to Muslim investors. And I think it's high time that someone appealed to Muslim investors. The new indexes, the S & P CNX Shariah and the CNX Shariah Nifty (nifty!) are designed to track the Indian equities markets. And they got some goofy rules.

To get onto one of the two indexes the companies must conform to a modified version of Islamic law, which means that they cannot get more than five percent of their revenue from a prohibited activity, such as alcohol sales. Also, any company on either Shariah index cannot have more than 33% of its money in debt because Islamic law forbids interest rates, which explains why Muslims hate Jews.

You now know everything I know about the CNX Shariah and the CNX Shariah Nifty. And probably all I ever will know for that matter.

Market Has Personality, Goes to the Bar
I read a headline the other day that read: Poland's GDP up 6.5%, Liquor Stocks Soar.

How fucking awesome would it be to live in a country that is so known for partying that liquor is its leading economic indicator? I'll bet they party like crack fiends in Warsaw.

Internet Gives Finger to Retailers, Laughs Maniacally
Apple, through I-tunes, made more cash selling music than Best Buy and Target, trailing only Wal-Mart in terms of revenue from retail music. And yet my grandpa still thinks the internet may be a fad. Go figure.

New Innovations still not better than New Potatos
A company called Emotive Systems has invented a headset that reads facial features and transfers those same features on to the avatars of videogame characters, begging the question, does this country really need all this stupid shit?

Several companies are designing wristbands that beep when you get too far away from your cell phone so you won't keep losing it, you unorganized slob.

Osaka University developers are working on a protein-based memory storage system that is resistant to magnet interference. It should be up and running in about five years, and if you give me all five of those years, I just might be able to figure out how the fuck they're doing it.

Your Motivational Investment Quote of the Week
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Aaaaaaa?Mark Twain