Let Me just say: Ahhhhh, fuck yeah.
Man, do I feel refreshed. It's amazing what 5,700 years in a sauna will do for your back. When I was creating all the beasts of the land and sea and air, I could feel something starting to give in My oblique. Then when I bent down to gather earth to create Adam, something just snapped in My lat. I went to see a chiropractor, but all he would do was feed Me percocets and tell Me to do some stretching exercises. It really didn't help, so I had to take some time off. You understand. At first I was just gonna take the eighth day off, but My back was killing me. I had flare-ups down the length of My spine. And I didn't want to keep sucking down those percs, find Myself in a 30-day rehab, reading the Big Book, working a program, finding a power greater than Myself.
So I checked into this place in Puerto Rico. Massages, seaweed wraps, calisthenics, yoga, health foods and an Olympic size-pool. I got to meet Derek Jeter when they sent him for that pulled achilles. I'm telling you, it wasn't a bad place.
So I got used to the lifestyle. Breakfast of fruit and fiber eaten on the beach in view of the sun rising over the Caribbean. Lunch in My room in front of the big-screen. Walks on the sand in the evening after a couple mimosas. I'm telling you; I was bronzed as a motherfucker.
But one day during morning meditation I realized I had left some unfinished business. I had abandoned My Creation after that seventh day, and when I looked at the calendar I realized I'd just been schvitzing for the last 5,700 years.
And when I read up on what had happened since then, I realized I'd made a mistake. When the cat is away, the mice will play around, or whatever.
You're probably still pissed about September 11. Let me just assure you of this: If I hadn't been at that spa in Puerto Rico, that never would have happened.
Maybe some of you remember the Holocaust. Again, My condolences. Let Me just say this: for those of you who haven't had a torn meniscus, I envy you. It hurts bad; trust Me.
Then there was that business about the atomic bomb. Dude: My bad on that one!
I found out about the Khmer Rouge. Let me first say that I did not approve or sanction what they did. But there wasn't a lot I could do, given that I was laid up with a bum knee. And to tell you the truth, those calisthenics really weren't helping.
The Armenian Genocide: My apologies. Ethnic cleansing in the Balkans: never wanted it. Rwanda: would have stopped it if I could. The Inquisition: they had no right to use My Name. China and Tibet: man, what a mess!
But don't worry; as soon as I get these pectorals back in order, I'm there.