Points in Case legend Justin Rebello asked me the following question, and it was so good that I had to put the question and answer on this blog.

Justin asked, “Who would you rather see broadcast the MLB playoffs? Buck/McCarver or a monkey shitting all over a wall?”

My answer:

I like Joe Buck. He’s not a bad announcer and he’s got a lot of heart, but they always team him up with Tim McCarver. This is the equivalent of making Einstein’s daughter lab partners with Mike Tyson. The good student will not get noticed if his partner is biting the ear off the teacher. I hate McCarver, as I know you do. But I really hate him. I hate him so much that when he announces a game, I turn the volume off. Here are some McCarver quotes I collected from last year’s post season.

“A pitcher like that can really squeegee up the game.” Huh?

“Derek Jeter has a nose for the ball.” Like the fucking guy is a dog trying to dig it out of the bushes or something. It’s on the ground in front of him!

“That was a terrific check swing.” What?

From my old e-mail list: McCarver just compared Matheny’s glove work to a Jai Lai player balancing a ball in his cesta. Three hundred people got that reference and they all live in South Florida. How do you say “out of touch” in Spanish?

Again from the list: McCarver just told us that Tony LaRussa’s dad used to play dominoes with Al Lopez in Ybor City, Florida. Wow, could you tell us more? Did they ever eat dinner together? Did they ever play charades? Why must this moron prattle on his pointless stories while I’m trying to watch a game? I’ll bet Joe Buck has dreams about strangling him with his microphone chord. I need to calm down.

“The phrase, ‘foreign substance' makes it sound like the pine tar is from Asia or something.” I mean Jesus, the man makes six figures a year.

“A walk is as good as a homerun.” When he said this one, Brother Tom exploded and threw his remote at the screen. I’m not kidding, after McCarver said this, we vowed never to listen to him again. So I don’t have any more.

Anyway to answer your question: the monkey, every fucking time.

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