Weekly Drunk Comment

"Halloween is a great excuse for girls to dress slutty. And for straight men to put on make-up." — kc

Halloween is a pretty cool holiday. There are pagan rituals, happy little kids, traditions, costumes and scary movies. Mostly I like the slutty girls and candy. And drinking too.

But, I also like costumes. This year was the first year in a while that I haven't done a couples costume (this is my first single Halloween in a long time, boo hoo – that's right ladies, I'm still single and my Deathstar is fully operational).

On Friday I shadowboxed the entire Big Apple as Rocky "The Italian Stallion" Balboa—I'm about as Italian as Taco Bell. Saturday I rocked out as a nerd—which isn't too much of a stretch.

Anyway, I'll give out a handful awards:

Hardest Thing to Explain
My Six Inch Front Neck Scar. It's not fake. It's not really supposed to be part of my costume. I wish it only cost $5 at the make-up store though.

Best Hook Up
John "The Brian" McCain and Sarah "Nailin'" Palin. I'm a sucker for romance and drunken make out sessions in public places.

Worst Slutty Costume
Freddy and Jason. No matter how hot you are, I just don't get turned on by burnt-faced freaks.

Weirdest Eye Sex
Some "large" girl with a bullet in her forehead ogled me for about 45 minutes at Otto's Shrunken Head (a bar). I felt very uncomfortable.

Weirdest Fucking Thing I've Ever Seen In My Entire Life
Uncle Ming's (another bar) was playing Star Wars Cartoon Porn. So fucking weird and not a turn on.

Best Celebrity Costume
Dirty Mike's Bret Michaels from "Rock Of Love." I like how he gave backstage passes out and convinced his fiance to dress skanky to complement his costume.

Biggest Moron
Wannabe Ivan Drago. As I was dressed as Rocky, I walked up to a guy costumed as Ivan Draco ("Rocky IV"). He wore a hammer and sickle robe, boxing gloves and the flat top haircut. In my best Rocky voice, I said, "Hey yo! Ivan Drago! I'm training for Apollo Creed, but you're next on my list. Adrian!" The guy turned around and said, "What's an Ivan Drago?"

Most Overdone Costume
Joker. Last year I dressed as Batman and ran into only one Joker. This year I saw about 50.

Guy Who Almost Got Thrown Down The Stairs The Hard Way – From Me
One of the Three Amigos at Retreat (yet another bar). When I say, "Don't touch my neck," I mean it.

Costume I Wished I'd Have Done
Green Man from "Always Sunny." Good call. I should have found a full-bodied green spandex suit and hit people with volleyballs.

Best All-Around Costume
Cheetara – From "Thundercats."
If you grew up in the 80s and Cheetarah wasn't your first crush, you are gay.

More in the series:
Halloween Headaches 1.0 (2008)
Halloween Headaches 2.0 (2009)
Halloween Headaches 2.51 (2009)
Pre-Halloween Headaches (2010)
Halloween Headaches (2010)
Halloween Headaches (2011)
Pre-Halloween Headaches (2012)
Halloween Headaches (2012)

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.