For those of you wondering, I've decided to come out of hibernation long enough to bless you scumbags with a quick rant. It's not much, but tough shit. You can read it and like it or go to Hell.

I have a message for all of you young people out there. In the future, you will be old. Not only will you be old, but everything around you will be new and different. It will all be stupid, and you will hate it.

Young people will dress like idiots, and you will find yourself saying things like, "Look at those idiots! Why can't they dress like normal people?" You might be wearing skinny jeans and a sweater vest right now, or a sideways upside down visor and a glittery pink belt that securely holds your pants three inches above your knees, but those asshole future kids are really going to look like dumbasses.

And when those uppity neo-hipster future kids talk about music, you will want to punch them in the face because you'll still be hung up on the shitty music you listen to now. All your crappy indie rock heroes will get fat and bald, even the girls, and they'll all be doing commercials for yogurt and car insurance and dog food. Some of them will be sold into slavery to VH-1 for public humiliation. Others will be fed to wild dogs for charity events. Irony shall ensue.

And people won't remember the good old days of listening to music on MP3 players because satellites will just blast music straight into your brain. Google will start making traffic lights that steal your thoughts to figure out what your favorite bands are. DVDs and Blu-Rays will be gone, too. All movies will be recorded straight into liquid molecules stored in little glass vials that you inject directly into your eyes through your Adobe contact lens that make everything colorful and sexy.

Enjoy your stupid cell phones while you can, because they'll be gone. In the future you'll be able to make calls from anything. Hats. Frying pans. Anything. In the future, a frying pan without a built-in cell phone will be even more useless than a cell phone without a built-in camera is now. If somebody catches you with a cell phone ten or twenty years from now, no matter how smart it is, they will throw rocks at you and call you a dinosaur. Except they won't actually say that because they'll have hip new ways of making fun of old people.

Every single mundane object will cost $400 and have millions of pointless apps and features. Coffee cups will have tiny built-in TV screens. Toothbrushes will have high def cameras and 8 trillion gigabytes of storage space. Dildos will have high speed internet access so you can play Angry Birds while you masturbate. Dildos will be the new cell phones. You'll see.

But we still won't have flying cars. Deal with it.

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