This is the last time I talk about the 2000's, and don't worry this isn't a political statement, but how have we not found bin Laden yet? You have to be extremely talented to hide from the whole world. That would probably get pretty lonely. Sure, it's cool at first, you got a whole cave to yourself, no parents or infidels around. But I think it would get old after the first year or so. Seriously, I can't even find a room to rub one out in without my grandma, my priest, and my 3rd-grade teacher walking in, and this guy successfully hides from 6 billion people for 8 years running. Also, how is it the DIXIE CHICKS were the first people to realize that Bush was an idiot?

I will kill myself if I ever wear a Snuggie to a football game along with my whole family, and proceed to obnoxiously high-five each other and "raise the roof."

The best part about adopting a kid from a third-world country wouldn't be the fact that it's another in a long list of similarities between me and Brad Pitt, and it certainly wouldn't be the fact that I'm making someone else's life better, a suffering child who missed out on their basic rights as a human being because of where they were born. No, the best part about adopting a kid from a third-world country would be that when times get tight and things get rough, you can feed that little kid like 3 pellets of rice and they won't complain. They're used to it. You probably wouldn't even have to cook food for them, they could just have it raw.

I have a new hobby: pretending I have swine flu. I mean, come on, if someone tells you they have swine flu, you take their word for it. And walk away from them as quickly as possible, hoping you didn't breath in when they were talking. As I walked out of a bar last night at 2:30 in the morning, I coughed really loud without covering my mouth and said "fuck I really wish I didn't have swine flu." The two girls nearest us outside the bar freaked out, one screaming "don't share it with us!" The look on their faces was priceless, but I have a feeling they would've really lost their shit if I told them about my imaginary herpes.

If I ever get to tour a Holocaust museum, I'm going to walk in, take a deep, deep breath and say "this is where the magic happens."

Whenever I see someone who's Facebook relationship status is "In A Relationship" but then it doesn't say anything after that, I instantly know that relationship will eventually fail. Because it means either you don't want people to know who you're dating for some fucked up reason like you're ashamed, or because your significant other doesn't have Facebook. And let's face it, people who don't have Facebook have to be batshit crazy. Like, seriously, like Jeffrey Dahmer crazy. (Writer's note: Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer is less crazy than those people. He's got a Facebook page and you can become his fan here.)

I think my biggest fear in life isn't being morphed into myself as a baby permanently, and going through life not being able to say anything or scream for help without people thinking I just need a bottle or to be changed (which I do); my biggest fear in life is giving a presentation in front of a class, where it's like a Powerpoint or something, so I have to load it up off my flash drive and everyone's watching the large projector screen as I'm getting ready and I have some porn on the flash drive too and everybody sees it.

Why are drug addicts always so crabby? If I got to do heroin all day, every day, I would be the happiest person on the planet. I would be beaming constantly; overflowing with happiness. I'd probably start volunteering at the local soup kitchen. I'd start liking children and appreciating our existence on this wonderful planet and shit like that.

Well now we know why David Letterman is slightly funny: he's always just had sex. Anyone can be all giddy and silly and cocky and start making fun of everything if they've just had sex. The sad part, besides the whole thing, is that now I can no longer say "well, if David Letterman can't get laid in this recession, then I sure can't."

I've realized my whole life I've paid more attention to pleasing my dentist than my friends or family. Because no matter what, even if I get no cavities, the dentist always makes me feel like I'm a dick and I killed someone. The victim? My enamel. The murder weapon? Plaque. The accomplice? Sugary sodas.