Every website and publication is searching for a way to sum up a decade that has, and let’s face this fact, blown a bag of fucking dicks. We dealt with 9/11, we dealt with Bush, we dealt with the "Conservative-Religious-and Uneducated" versus "Liberal-Unreligious-and Educated" battle royal that will probably continue till the end of time. But when we wanted to get away and tune the world out, we did what Americans have always done: we watched some fucking games. We argued about whether Kobe could be Jordan. We made fun of Redskins fans. We made terrible, awful, and hilarious rape jokes about Ben Roethlisberger. We bragged about our fantasy football championship. So without further ado here are ten of the events, games, and overall happenings I’ll remember in 2020.
#10. Bush's First Pitch (2001)
Shit, this seems like a long time ago. All I knew at the time was that two planes had crashed into some buildings in New York City, that a lot of people died, and that we were going to war because of it. The fact that Bush appeared to not shit himself when all this was happening was cool. He was so relaxed about it, that he would go out and throw the first pitch at the World Series, and throw a strike while wearing a bullet-proof vest.
#9. The Rise of the UFC (2006-2009)
I will admit to being something of a newbie when it comes to the UFC. My only real exposure to it has been through Spike TV and Youtube. But man is there anything better than watching two guys beat the ever-loving-shit out of each other? It’s what you hoped every middle school fight would degenerate into, it’s like pro wrestling, but it's real and its fans can read. Sure, at times it appears to be a mix of boxing and gay porn, but 9 times out of 10 someone either bleeds or gets left unconscious, which is what I want out of my entertainment.
#8. The Mitchell Report (2007)
We were supposed to care who did steroids, and this was the report that was supposed to give us those big names. Instead we got Randy Velarde.
#7. We Saw Janet's Titty (2004)
It’s not the quarter-second of exposed boob, but the irrational aftermath. Think about this on Sunday when you're yelling at the TV: what you're watching is on a 7-second delay because of a 38-year-old woman’s boob.
#6. Super Bowl 43 (2009)
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Aside from the fact that the Steelers won, this was an amazing game. On one side you had the Steelers, a team with 5 rings and 40 billion obnoxious bandwagon fans. On the other, you had the perennial laughingstock Cardinals, who have exactly one fan who publically acknowledges it. This game just didn’t stop, between Kurt Warner turning back the clock, James Harrison's fumble return, Larry Fitzgerald being unstoppable, and Santonio Holmes' one-foot down bullshit catch/great catch to win it, this game proved that the Super Bowl can be the game of the year.
#5. Rich Rodriguez Leaves WVU (2007)
Oh god, I can’t talk about this rationally. Let’s just say, FUCK YOU IN YOUR TURNCOAT ASS! YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU, YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT! DIE IN A FIRE OF FLAMING TAINTS!
#4. 18 and 1 (2008)
Anyone who paid close attention to football could see the "18" coming…..no one saw the "1". It seemed like the Pats were just so loaded and the Giants had….uhh, the slow Manning kid?
#3. USC vs. Texas (2006)
The one year this decade the BCS got the National Title matchup right. Amazing now that Reggie Bush and Matt Leinhart are backups, and Vince Young’s most noteworthy accomplishment is beating the Texans.
#2. WVU vs. Georgia (2006)
The beginning of the greatest run in WVU sports history.
/Sets all of my worldly possessions on fire
#1. Owen Schmitt Like a Fucking Beer Truck (2008)
One giant "FUCK YOU" to Rich Rodriguez, this was probably the most fun I’ve ever had doing anything. Before the game started I was sitting with some friends at B-Dubs. A reporter from the local newspaper wanted our take on the Rodriguez situation. My response was, "Sir, my thoughts involve too many F-bombs to print." Then we blew them the fuck away. It was the proudest I’ve ever been to be a fan of anything, I didn’t want it to end.
I'd like to hear yours in the comments and Happy Fucking New Year!