For the lady who caught me jerking off in the fitting room at Sears: my apologies—but did you have to call me “a piece of shit pervert”???

–Perv from changing room #6
p.s. You wouldn't happen to be free this…oh, nevermind…

Hey there Boys! Like to party rough? I sure as fuck do! I’m a skank-ass nympho slut who just loves to get ploughed and rototilled from both ends by complete and unprotected strangers! Go ahead and stop by unannounced at my place: 4213 E. Damen Avenue, Apt #2 if you want to lay some pipe.

The bathroom window lock is broken and the dog is harmless.

Jenny “The Whore” 817-243-99–

p.s. Jenny, it's Jim. FUCK. Don't you see? I’m a mess w/o you! Can’t we give this whole thing one more try?

p.p.s. And I know you didn't fuck Kevin. Right?
Please just fucking tell me and I promise I won't get mad.
Love you so MUCH!! <3

This is for a woman named Carmella I met at Phoenix Books last week:
We exchanged glances down the Sociology aisle on Monday and made some chit-chat about economic sanctions in Latin America. Also, you had a beautiful Alaskan Huskie with you. It looked like a male around 4 or 5, but I’m not sure. Either way, I think the two of us really hit it off.
Would you mind it if I took him out for a night on the town? Promise to have him back to you by midnight. Woof, woof.

Frederique 847-220-95–