Look, when I agreed to get in your van, your sign said you would give me candy and a puppy. Raisinettes aren't candy, they're healthy and disgusting and these taste like you bought them a decade ago. By the way it's rude to offer people candy from your back pocket, because god knows what you've done to it. Also, where is the puppy? I sincerely hope it's not the mass of fur I saw jammed above the back right tire when you gave me an overly helpful and mildly groping push to get in. Because you can't even prove that's a puppy. It could be an opossum or a raccoon or the missing half of the 4th street hobo's leg. And even if it is a puppy, it's too squishy to hug now and it would totally get puppy guts on me.

Free candy sign on a white van with sketchy guy pedophile
Who can resist a sucker?
Can you even hear me? I don't understand why you wouldn't let me ride up front. You have a perfectly good passenger seat, but no, you made me sit back here with all these red towels and cans of paint thinner. Why do you even have all this crap in your van? And could you possibly install a seatbelt back here? I could get hurt if I slid into that pile of rusty tools. What are they for, anyway? Are you like, a repair guy or something? You know, I have a lock on one of my windows that needs fixing. You should totally come by and take care of that sometime. But like, knock first or I'll think there's some random creeper outside my window.

Could you please stop banging on the divider every time I shriek at you even louder? I'm just trying to make sure you can hear me. I'm giving you helpful advice, after all. I assume you don't like to talk, since you haven't spoken a word to me. Are you trying to use Morse code? I don't know Morse code. Holy crap, stop it! Do you have any idea how badly it echoes back here? It's making my head hurt. My god, you're like a crazy person. Is that a siren? Are we going past the police station or something? That's like, on the very edge of town. I hope you don't think you're taking a shortcut, because this is definitely the long way to get to the mall.

And hey, there's no polite way for me to say this, but someone needs to tell you before you get embarrassed or something… your beard smells like shit. Literally. Do you ever shower? You should consider it. It's sort of required. Well, not required but like, it isn't socially acceptable if people can smell you before they see you. And you do want to make a good first impression, right? I mean, at first I was like, let's see, windowless white van, free candy sign, this is totally sketchy! I was going to leave. But then you leered at me from the window and I saw the kindness in your eyes. I'm great at reading people, I'm never wrong. I can always tell if people are nice or not. But you seem trustworthy. Plus you remind me of my uncle, and he's one of the friendliest people I know. He even lets my friends and I have sleepover parties at his house so we can swim in his pool and he supervises us the entire time to keep us safe.

Awesome, we're finally stopping! Are we there yet? Could you please hurry up and let me out? I mean come on, I've been in here for like an hour. Finally, thank you! Wait, this isn't the mall. We're out in the middle of nowhere. What the hell? What do you mean I'm too annoying to be a victim? I thought you couldn't talk! And I am not annoying! I'm perfect, I'm- HEY! Why are you driving away? Don't leave me here! You can't just drop me off in the middle of nowhere, there could be rapists or serial killers or people wearing last year's shoes and that's just wrong! Come back! Oh thank goodness, there's another van coming. Hello sir, I like your stache! Just to be safe, can I see some ID? The last random stranger I rode with was totally weird. Hmm, Pete O. Phile, that's a weird name. Whatever, can you take me to the mall? I need to buy some better candy.