Newscasters have a responsibility to the people of this country, a responsibility to uphold the free press and the standards of competent journalism, and that responsibility is never more fulfilled than when we can report that a celebrity has been caught having sex with a transvestite.
– Edward R. Murrow

When he emerged from the primordial ooze, Man found himself with an exciting new hobby: cognitive thought. As he explored the world around him, everything he came into contact with — from the lowliest slug to the highest flying Angel of the Lord — seemed to tell a story. The slug, for example, told the story of what slugs taste like, and the Angel told the story of how he was actually just a big bird. Around the prehistoric world, people made these discoveries, and they just couldn't keep this knowledge to themselves. They rode their mammoths to other small encampments and told other people where to eat, what to eat, and what not to fuck, and the first “news” was born.

This early newscasting was rudimentary at best. Instead of using television sets and newspapers, which I kind of can't believe they didn't think of, most news was transferred from person to person in the form of rocks. Anthropologists believe that cavepeople would speak their information directly into the rocks so it could be “held” there. You may be thinking, “But aren't rocks pretty small? They must have had to use a lot of them.” You're absolutely right. Fortunately, rocks were pretty common back then, so the cavepeople had no qualms about throwing them around. Unfortunately, they passed news along by literally throwing them around, which led to the highest casualty rates in the history of journalism.

As humans evolved, so did news. But, like most news stories, this one gets kind of boring after the lead line. Various events may or may not have occurred that drove journalism and the art of information transference to greater heights, and let's just leave it at that, okay? News got better. Slowly.

But you may not have known that…

– Through history, nothing revolutionized the spread of news like religion. The Story of Jesus, who people generally agree was a pretty agreeable guy, was told in a book called “The Good News,” a book which revolutionized both investigative journalism and persuasive name branding.

– During the Age of Exploration, journalists and reporters traveled to the New World on wooden ships. While making the long passage, these men held nightly meetings where they would broadcast the names and sins of other passengers as a public service. Many passengers were understandably upset by this muckraking, and thus the first news “anchormen” were born.

– Newspapers have come in many different shapes and sizes, printed on many different types of material. There was no uniform size or shape; some newspapers had as many as seven different corners, and others were written entirely on sticks. A modern newspaper weighs exactly three pounds.

– Joseph Pulitzer, a publisher whose practices at the turn of the century linked his name with yellow journalism, had sex with animals. I heard it from a guy.

This is a blog about news. I've already done some blogging about news and have a degree in media studies, so I think I know a little more about news than your average bear.

Bear: ROOAORRAAGGHH!
Editor: I don't know. What else do you have?

Revenge of the News is here to light a few candles, put on a little music, and penetrate your cerebellum. Get out the ball gag and lube, Internet, and prepare to get newsed.

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