Dictation

Emily, can you please come in here? Ah, there you are. Emily, I need to dictate a letter for a Mr. Markmen over at Swathgard & Leland’s, if you would be so kind. Thank you, dear.

[Ahem]

Begin letter: Dear Mister Markmen comma new paragraph I am writing to you today to express my utter shock–no change that to disgust please, Emily–I am writing to you today to express my utter disgust at your reprehensible behavior at last night’s dinner party period My wife is the very definition of a lady comma and any implications against her fidelity will not be tolerated from anybody comma certainly not the likes of you comma you sick comma malicious fuck–italicized–period If you have problems abiding by these very generous guidelines comma perhaps we could settle this dispute in a manner less civil period new paragraph This is by no means a threat comma since we both understand that I have 40 or so pounds begin parenthesis of muscle comma you ball hyphen less sack of shit end parenthesis and 5 inches on your meager comma pussy frame period It would pain me greatly to have to pound the fucking shit out of your asshole hyphen face comma but comma I would be more–italicized–than willing to make that sacrifice comma if you think it necessary period new paragraph Markmen comma I think you are a spineless comma despicable piece of fuck period A low hyphen down comma pretentious scumbag hyphen dickmite masquerading as a begin quote true friend end quote period Evil cunts like you should be tied to dumbbells comma stabbed viciously comma and thrown into a deep comma deep lake period new paragraph I hope that you enjoy your upcoming ski trip to Aspen comma and I greatly hope that you comma and your entire shitbird family comma suffer some incredibly gruesome tragedy comma you worthless cocksucker period Sincerely comma Martin H period Greensworth PS comma By tragedy comma I mean that I hope you die comma shitfuckface–one word–end letter

Emily, if you can send that off right away to Swathgard & Leland’s. And do you think someone could bring me a bottle of aspirin? Thank you, dear.

The End


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