Ciao Cupids!

Sick of all the constant sweaty beast humping and rapturous romance with countless gorgeous members of the opposite/same sex, but you can't afford the montly payments for World of Warcraft and don't want to hack off your genitals with a rusty cleaver, become a catholic priest or something equally painful? Well, now there's no need. Just follow your friendly scribes advice and you'll be desperate and dateless in no-time!

Things to Say on a First Date That Will Guarantee It is Also Your Last:

" You're 31? I'm sorry, it's my dyslexia's fault… I thought you were 13."

" My mom has that same dress."

"That pill I put in your drink was just Splenda."

"So…how much do you charge? Can we do anal?"

"Finally, someone else who doesn't care about their looks!"

"My dad has that same dress."

"You're a twin? Cool… So, do you guys, like, do it together?"

"This body has served me well, but is rapidly succumbing to the rigors of mortality; yours will be a fitting replacement."

"You're paying for all this, right?"

"Shit! That's my wife at the next table over!"

"Could you please pass the butterface?"

"Dr. Weinberg will be so pleased that I was able to get it up for a woman for once."

"Sorry I'm late, those house-arrest anklets look flimsy, y'know?"

"I have that same dress."

"I don't know what my frat bros were talking about; I've seen plenty of people uglier than you."

"Speaking of conjoined twins, please don't scream when I take this off…"

"…It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again!"

"-Oh the camera? Don't worry, it's nothing kinky; it's just for proof you actually went out with me so my roommate will give me the fifty bucks."

"…AMERICAN President my red, white and blue ass! If that boy weren't born an Ay-rab, I'm Karl freakin' Marx!"

"Please don't tell me you're one of those wusses allergic to latex."

"Thanks for coming; the coven was really getting on my ass about finding a sacrifice by Solstice."

"You're so cute! you look just like my dog when he eats!"

"Okay, so it didn't work out with Mimi, Penelope, Nicole or Katie. It'll stick this time, baby, I can feel it!"

"Mother said if I brought any more filthy whores home, she'd start to kill again—do you have your own place?"

"Could you go get the wine-list? My penis is engorged with blood."

"Your brother is a better lay than you."

"My brother is a better lay than you."

"…But I already promised the rest of the team you'd do them too!"

"Gosh, I wish I'd been as pretty as you when I was a woman."

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."