As we gather around a roaring campfire under a full moon, I want us to appreciate these gorgeous woods and wonderful fresh air. We're going to have so much fun this weekend! There will be ghost stories, canoeing, Cards Against Humanity, sing-alongs, and of course, delicious s'mores! But first, let's bow our heads in a moment of silence for the group of teenagers from our high school who were brutally slaughtered here one year ago today.
Now I know some of you were disturbed by the creepy old gas station attendant who insisted on giving us his shotgun. Despite his angry ramblings, there is no such thing as a curse on these woods. Todd, Janet, Skyler, Jose, Isaiah, and Meghan were murdered by a regular human being who was obviously mentally disturbed when the voices in his head told him to arrange our friends' severed limbs into the shape of a pentagram.
But let's be positive! That happened a whole year ago! Plus, that madman is locked up and the only thing getting chopped this weekend will be firewood. I'm sure it's just a coincidence we heard a radio report about an escape from the nearby mental institution.
Although it's too dark to see your faces, I can hear some of you gently sobbing. Rest assured that as your guidance counselor and only adult chaperone, I'm here to help you recover from your devastating and extremely gory loss. If your friends were still alive, they'd want you to have fun and ignore the bloodstains in the cabin. So wipe your tears and turn those frowns upside down!
The only reason I tricked you into spending Senior Trip here instead of at Disneyland is because the best way to overcome trauma is to face it head-on. That's why I brought this Ouija board, so I can prove there's no evil, demonic force haunting this campsite. The only spirit here is school spirit! Go Indians!
Speaking of Native Americans, some of you have expressed concern about camping on what the local tribe considers to be their sacred burial ground. I agree that seems problematic, so I went ahead and brought some authentic artifacts to honor them, like this headdress I'm wearing. If it makes you feel better, my 23andMe says I'm 6% Navajo!
As another nod to Native culture, I've dosed your drinks with peyote, which should begin kicking in any minute now. Don't worry, I've made sure everyone stays safe by hiding the keys to the van, so no one can drive impaired.
We're going to take turns sharing happy memories of our dearly departed classmates, as soon as Sam comes back from the outhouse. He's been gone for a while, hasn't he? I'm sure he's fine, but maybe one of you can go check on him? Thanks for volunteering, Cody. Here, take this flashlight. The batteries are dying, but if it starts flickering, just bang it with the palm of your hand until it comes back on.
No, Emily, you can't call your parents to ask them to pick you up. That would be unfair to the group and it might set back your recovery. Besides, we lost all our cell reception after we crossed that shaky, partially-collapsed bridge.
I want to remind everyone not to interrupt me while I have the talking stick. We'll all get a chance to –
Okay, yes, that does sound like Cody screaming. But he's always been such a prankster! Not funny, Cody!
All right, just in case, let's all split up and go searching for him. He probably twisted his ankle or something.
Wow, that sure is a lot of screaming! I wish I could remember where I hid the van keys…