To ask for a bit of sympathy for politicians is to ask for the impossible. You might as well ask for a chocolate tuxedo or for Naughty Uncle Bill not to touch you that way because you don't like it and it feels weird. But, while I'd never ask for sympathy on their behalf, I'd like to explore why it is they all seem so completely and clatteringly awful, as if your ascension into politics is akin to having your soul sucked out by Julia Roberts' massive lips.

Politicians are the mirror to us, and it just so occurs that the image in the glass is fucking horrifying, and plastic surgery isn't going to fix this one. Really, they're not a mythical breed. Though it sometimes seems so, that there might be this absolutely disgraceful family somewhere in the fabled land of Politicsia, full of inbreeding and six toes, that churns out candidates specifically to become politicians. Which really is akin to giving birth directly over a raging furnace. They don't seem like real people, but the terrifying thing is, they are. They're not the best we've got, but they're the best we're ever going to get.

There are truly magnificent people in the world, and I don't just mean that guy who can attach a load of clothes pins to his face, or the woman who can push her eyeballs out of her head. I mean truly deep, intelligent, forward thinking, caring people, who would see us through difficult times with a tender word and a steady hand. But, these people would never touch politics with a bargepole. If you're a sensitive person, the sort of person who should be an elected official, then the whole notion is a complete anathema. Why would you want to be professionally hated?

There is nothing a politician can do to really please the people he or she is representing, and that is a fact I think that most of them already know, or if they don't they better fucking learn it quick if they're elected to any level of public recognition. Even if they delivered everything they promised, it would still not be enough. People would have changed the goalposts overnight, that thing we said we really wanted? Yeah, we don't want it anymore. Oh, you gave it to us? Well fuck you, we don't want it! It's impossible to please your public. Impossible, they will always want your blood, absolutely always.

Captain America at a US political protest
THIS guy voted, get it?

If you try and please everyone and show nothing of yourself at all, then people will accuse you of being a tedious drone, that you don't deserve to be in the public sphere because you're incapable of a personality. But, if you show a personality, holy shit there's some trouble coming your way pal. You made a little joke?! At someone or something's expense?! How fucking dare you?! I'm so offended, you, you're a filthy bastard, that's just something like Hitler would have done, made a joke, how fucking disgusting, and you have the balls to try and be an elected official?! Get sacked and die in a hole, now!

That's the sort of thing you'll have to put up with. If you show even the slightest amount of personality, half the people looking will hate it, and the other half will just accuse you of putting it on in the first place. People worry about the inevitable overthrowing of the puny humans by the machines, but I'm not so sure. We seem to hate anyone with a personality, so, maybe when ZX-64FRHF74t475 is in charge and is calling the shots, we'll be a little less inclined to the backchat.

I don't pretend that it's wrong that we're not pleased by the people we're being governed by, Democracy is a messy, chaotic business, and that's pretty fantastic. But, it seems such a waste of precious breath to continue hating politicians so powerfully, because they're never going to get any better. They're who were elected; they're really the best option most people thought they had at the time. A bunch of crooked, free-wheeling bastards who you'd likely not bother wasting your piss if you saw them on fire. They're selfish, just like the rest of us. They're annoying, just like the rest of us. They are prone to say and do stupid things, like the rest of us. They are us. They're the mirror to us, and it just so occurs that the image in the glass is fucking horrifying, and plastic surgery isn't going to fix this one.

A sensitive, thinking person will almost never be willing to dip their toe into the political arena; it's such an unrelenting maelstrom of turgid filth that they'll be scared away within moments. To have your every single move scrutinized, to have your every idea ridiculed—hell, they won't even like the clothes you wear. "He's wearing a colorful tie?! HITLER!" And before you know it you'll end up in your mid-thirties, already with grey hair, lines around your eyes and a massive fucking ulcer eating away at your stomach. If anything I think the politicians we have should be commended for their…well, it's either bravery or stupidity, for stepping into the public arena at all. To try and fight a losing battle in such a way, it's almost respectable.

Sex scandals, dodgy donors, all manner of fraud and corruption, yes these are the marks of the politician and they're inevitable. When you give someone a taste of power, it will go to their head, and they'll go as fast as they can to the cash pile, leaping in and swimming around, rubbing their hairy tits all over the dollar bills without an inch or iota of shame. I'm not saying its right; I'm saying it's inevitable. The more they're told they're disgraceful and useless, the less they care, and the more attractive becomes the notion of siphoning off a tasty little bonus for themselves becomes, or the more attractive a fun packed night with the secretary becomes, complete with handcuffs, whips, chains, cottage cheese and a Chihuahua.

The politician is an ignoble beast, to say the least. Posturing, preening pricks the majority of them. There's no way around that, but, by the same token, there's never going to be much of an improvement either. We've constructed a system that will only appeal to the vapid and the power hungry, at the exclusion of thought and decency, and so that's all we'll ever get. We hate them before they've even said their first word, and even if they happen to seem even slightly human, then the first thing we do is deify them and tell them to just sort all our problems out for us, without bothering us with the minor details. It's impossible to please people, and I confess a rather cynical respect for those who've given up trying.

Don't hate the reflection, hate what it is reflecting. They're a mirror to us. Fucking hell that's depressing.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.