We’re coming for you, Russian Oligarchs!

We mostly know who you are, and believe me, tormenting pain or minor inconvenience is on the way!

You better beware because sanctions are coming. We’re thinking of them, we’re discussing them, we’re writing them down, and yes, we will almost certainly be imposing them!

You won’t hear them coming unless we tell you, which I guess we have, but you probably won’t see them until it’s too late, like past your bedtime. You might see them in the morning but then again you might not. Still, believe us… we are putting them in place, and they’ll be there (or will be soon).

Quite possibly, they’re already embedded, ready to spring maximum agony or mild discomfort upon you. You might feel a slight pinch, like a bee sting or it could be like a nagging itch on that part of your back you can’t reach with your fingers. Anyway, you’ll know they’re there for sure and maybe just because I’m telling you that they’re there.

I hope you are ready for misery or hypothetical distress to visit you and your family. Our team of sanctioneers has been brainstorming around the clock and we’ve got whiteboards full of ideas for visiting desolation or negligible irritation upon you.

Starting today, you are no longer welcome to hit the beaches in Ibiza. No more fine dining in Milan! No more wild parties in Bali!

Also, starting next month we are reducing the balances on all of your Starbucks gift cards to three dollars. That’s right! All of them! You can use your cards, but they will no longer cover the full cost of the large and fancy drinks you probably prefer.

We hereby also impose a $0.01 per ounce tax on all sweetened beverage purchases by Oligarchs! You fat cats are fat enough!

We are also thinking seriously of freezing some things. We love freezing things, so we hope you’re ready to endure our patented freeze pressure technology which you probably won’t notice at all because you are in some kind of warm palace or something, but at least you will have awareness of this sweeping sanction that makes it a notch colder than you are used to because I have explicitly informed you what we are doing.

Finally, we are impounding your $700 million dollar superyacht. Truthfully, we were unaware what a superyacht was or that it was one word, not two, until very recently. We also didn’t know they are sometimes referred to as “ultrayachts,” so I guess we’ve learned something. But most importantly, what you will learn is the severe ice-cream headache-like freeze of our taking your superyacht away.

Of course, we are keenly aware you left this superyacht in an easily accessible dock with the keys still inside as this is merely your decoy superyacht. You probably have three more we don’t know about, but rest assured, we will find them, unless of course, we don’t.

Our sanctioneers are relentless. They are on it. They are coming and when they find something of yours, even if it’s just a pizza earmarked for delivery to your residence, know that we will take that pizza and freeze the shit out of it (or at least make it cooler).

Hope you like cold pizza!