We hope that you and your screaming toddler are enjoying this episode of David the Gnome from the filthy comfort of your child’s bedroom floor. We’re so glad you found our oddly convenient phone app in your desperate search for anything, anything, goddammit, that will make your morning routine easier.
But we gnomes offer MORE than just software (preloaded with gnomey content and settings you really shouldn’t scrutinize).
We also offer Gnomebox, our new fashion subscription service for toddlers!
What do gnomes know about toddler fashion?
Don’t overthink it! Toddlers are small, gnomes are small. You have a toddler; we have a dwindling supply of troops for a little ongoing altercation with neighboring trolls. Let’s help each other!
From the moment your child opens their Gnomebox, your daily nightmare of getting your child dressed will irrevocably end! They’ll be head-over-heels in love with the outfits inside, as well as unusually focused on the undersides of brightly-colored toadstools that will start appearing outside your home.
A home they will leave, cheerfully and on time, every day from now on.
That sounds AMAZING and only slightly surreal—how do I sign up?
Simple! Fill in our easy enrollment form at www.gnomebox.com, answer some simple questions about your child’s sizes, favorite colors, and greatest fears, and enter your credit card for a recurring monthly charge of—you know what, it’s not important. Say $49.99.
Every month, our box will materialize in your child’s room.
What clothes will we receive?
Your child’s Gnomebox includes every fashion you can imagine, and several that you can’t! Whatever mystical creature, crystal, and sequin-spattered monstrosity, or licensed character they obsess over, your child will find the styles they love.
They’ll also be able to talk with woodland creatures.
How is any of this possible?
Boy howdy, for someone who’s already spent 45 minutes trying to wrestle wet-noodle arms into a sweater this morning, you’ve sure got a lot of questions!
Would you believe us if we said “magic?”
Maybe? Could you just tell me? I’m so tired.
Of course you are! 98% of our site visitors are parents like yourself, who click a pop-up ad in the midst of a tantrum-induced haze. (The other 2% are Troll Counterintelligence. But that’s not important.)
We guarantee 100% drama-free mornings and children who dress themselves. What more could you need to know?
How do you make the clothes?
You… probably don’t want to know, but since you asked: we use magical sewing machines that we lovingly handcraft from trolls. Well, parts of trolls. Don’t look at us like that. They started it.
The clothes are made of TROLLS?
No! Goodness no. Trolls are evil, smelly villains who want to destroy our gnomey way of life. They make terrible clothes!
We make our outfits out of unicorn pelts, which have a miraculous ability to morph into whatever form the wearer most desires. That’s why kids love ‘em!
Sure they do! Well. They DID. Their horns work great for troll-stabbing, particularly when wielded by small beings who are comparably gnome-sized and, also, adorably dressed.
But we’ve not found any fresh unicorn herds lately. We probably should have paid more attention to sustainable uni-culture during the latest few rounds of the Troll Wars, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few griffin eggs. (Yes, griffins were real, too. And delicious. Also extinct.)
This is… a lot to take in. If I sign up, can I cancel my subscription?
Of course! You can cancel at any time. Our customer service representative is a talking fox named Barry, and he wields our Subscription Cancelation Wand. You can find him beneath the Wishing Tree in the Woods of Despair. Bring three forms of ID and a soul stone, preferably blue.
If your quest succeeds, we will cease charging your credit card on or before the next billing cycle, and your relationship with Gnomebox will terminate.
What about my child’s relationship with Gnomebox?
Oh. Well. Your child will still be enlisted in the Gnome Infantry. Wars against trolls don’t fight themselves. They’ll wear our clothes, absorb our epic sagas into their darling little bones, and swap identities with a changeling you’ll accept with only the slightest instinct that something is terribly wrong.
But you’ll get out of the house on time, with only minor hallucinations, from there on out!
Am I hallucinating right now?
Possibly. You just spent $197.99 on drawer organizers. FOR A TODDLER.
How do you know that?
Would you believe us if we said “magic”?