“Low in calories and fat and cholesterol-free, mushrooms contain a modest amount of fiber and over a dozen minerals and vitamins, including copper, potassium, magnesium, zinc and a number of B vitamins such as folate.” —New York Times

For years we’ve been neglected. Buried in dirt piles, thrown into dishes as an afterthought. Don’t even get us started on the abomination that is raw mushrooms at a salad bar. We are not being used to our full potential.

Top ten lists of superfoods have all but ignored us. It’s crimini-l, is what it is (we promise, only one to two more mushroom puns will appear in this pitch). But we’re here to get your attention and explain why it’s paramount to your existence that you give us the respect we deserve.

No, we’re not as sexy as other superfoods, like açai. But no one even knows how to pronounce açai. No, we don’t have the exotic and fun factor of pitaya. Get over yourself, pitaya. Just because you’re a beautiful color and make an eye-catching addition to fruit plates doesn’t mean you’re the only fruit of the gods.

Can you manufacture your own motherfucking Vitamin D? No, the answer is no. Do you live in the beautiful, nebulous in-between of animal and plant? No, it’s only us, the mighty fungi.

Pomegranates? The fruit of the elite. They hold onto their seeds like La La Land tried to hold onto the Best Picture Oscar in 2017. You will spend your morning trying to eat a pomegranate and it will stain your shirt and you will be left unsatisfied. Who has that kind of time and disposable wardrobe? The One Percent, that’s who.

Ancient grains, blah. We’ve been around way longer. Goji berries?! Seriously? And why does kale get all the credit? We’re fungis! Avocados? Sure, go touch every single avocado at the store and just try to pick a good one. Go ahead, try it. One minute they’re hard as a rock, the next minute they’re brown. They bruise like a peach.

Speaking of peaches: peaches! No one likes your fuzz or how your juice goes everywhere when you’re perfectly ripe.

We’re not shiitake-ing these foods, we’re just speaking the truth.

Let’s talk about the environment for a minute because we all know we have to do a lot fucking better. We mushrooms can grow just about anywhere and we need minimal resources, unlike greedy, greedy almonds.

Folks may be wary of our psychedelic or toxic varieties. Well, don’t go mushroom hunting with an amateur, and only say yes to a dried gift from a stranger at a concert if you’re ready to go for a ride.

Here’s what we want people to know: fry us in delicious fat, add some salt, garlic if you’re feeling wild, and you will live a happy life full of the vitamins and minerals you need. It’s that simple. We market ourselves. We just want some respect and a spot on your Top 10 Superfood List.