Hi Fran,

Did you know you could be getting more out of your LookedAt account? For example, we have the names and back-of-the-headshots of all the folks who spotted you from behind this week. Aren’t you curious?

You never know what kind of connections you’ll make as a LookedAt Premium member. One of these people could be your ex-boyfriend or your current physical therapist. You already enjoy knowing who’s viewed your profile, but the thing about the back of your head is that anyone can go on looking for a theoretically infinite length of time and you’d have no idea unless someone tells you. That’s intriguing, right? Well for $13.99 a month, you’ll gain a 360-degree view of who’s viewing you 100% from behind—and for the next two and a half days, we’re taking 14% off.

Of course, some portion of these views happen organically: perhaps on a busy street or that Thai restaurant you like. But what about the eager peepers who sought you out intentionally? The ones who looked you up on other social media platforms, found you, and stared at the back of your head while you just sat there stewing in your own ignorance—you wanna know about those ones, right? Upgrade to LookedAt Premium and we’ll tell you who they are and the dumbest thing they’ve typed into chatGPT so far.

Thousands of friendly and caring professionals achieve their goals faster with LookedAt Premium, specifically when those goals involve receiving seven notifications each time you sign in no matter how recently you opened the last seven. It feels good—we did studies! Need more notifications? We’ve got your back. Upgrade to LookedAt Lieutenant Platinum for only $5 in Best Buy gift cards monthly and we’ll alert you every time someone in your occipital vicinity registers that another human person is nearby (that’s you, you saucy little minx!)

And don’t forget about LookedAt Diamond Plus Insights! That’s where we tell you when somebody has a negative thought about your hair. If that makes you uncomfortable, simply downgrade to LookedAt Diamond Plus Insights Minus The Mean Ones. And If you don’t have any hair, well then you can get the fuck off our platform, creep.

Like the US government, you’re probably curious how LookedAt gathers all this rich data. While we obviously can’t share those details, we can share these details: people are so concerned about their iPhone cameras and computers spying on them when they should be thinking about real physical humans right behind their butts. We leverage existing and legal technology to tell you precisely who’s been oglin’ your noggin, all in the name of fostering real human connection.

And yes, it’s 387 completely unique human people. And trust us Fran, some of these are not so good. That’s why for six silver dollars per moon phase we’ll send you laminated pictures of the backs of those people’s heads. And we won’t even tell them we’re doing it! The only way they would know is if they have LookedAt Lapis Lazuli, and to get that you have to send us the literal skin off your back every fourteen weeks. Nobody has it.

It’s simple: we miss you Fran! Where’d you go? Where are you right now? Cause don’t turn around but we have reason to believe your head’s getting views this very second. Aren’t you curious who’s doing that and what their darkest insecurities are? Obviously we don’t have any idea why they’re looking but once you have their name and age and a photo of the back of their head you can probably draw your own conclusions. That’s what LookedAt all about: connections that stand the test of time.

Who are you connected to, Fran? Anybody? You've been inactive on LookedAt for the past 18 weeks as if you don't even need us anymore. We know you've been going outside, looking at the front of people right in their damn faces like you're some kind of well-adjusted dermatologist. You wished this upon yourself, Fran. You’ve made it to the end of the promotional email and you still haven’t been persuaded to upgrade your account. It's this kind of flagrant backstabbing that makes LookedAt such a crucial part of our society. We’re not gonna hurt you or your pretty little head. Today only, we’re taking 14% off.