This new gym is absolutely terrible and I think it goes without saying that’s why I noticed people leaving practically as soon I got here.

For starters, the equipment is hazardous and doesn’t even work properly. Yesterday, I pulled the power cord from Debbie’s treadmill because I thought it was a jump rope and the thing just stopped on a dime. Danger alert! Not only did she crack a rib on the cup holder, but when I plugged it back in she went zipping off the end like it was some kind of carnival ride that hadn’t seen an OSHA inspection since the eighties. In the interest of safety, I checked Mark’s, Ronnie’s, DeShawn’s, and Elijah’s treadmills while they were running and yep, same problem. Good thing I caught it before someone had a major accident, but this place is begging for a lawsuit if they don’t start taking things more seriously.

God forbid someone does get hurt because the first aid situation is a travesty. Frank and I stepped into the ring for a friendly spar and after breaking a folding chair over his head I was horrified to see a dozen EMT-certified med kits fully six feet out of reach and thus completely unusable. It’s egregious how little regard some people have for injuries. Luckily for Frank, I was able to head off any panic by calmly reminding people his nose occasionally bleeds on account of the cocaine I’d already told everyone he uses to dominate me on the tennis court.

Showy attitudes like that can really suppress morale. Leonard bikes to the gym seven days a week even though he’s missing both of his legs. Talk about an attention whore. Everyone gushes like he’s some kind of hero but that’s obviously to mask how dejected they feel working out around an insufferable egomaniac. I took it upon myself to let him know we’ve had enough of his legless arrogance obliterating my self-esteem and you know what he does? Starts bragging about some fancy trip he took to Vietnam. Fifty years ago! He even wears this smug little hat letting us all know he’s been there, despite the fact I was repeatedly told over the intercom that the fedora I bought in Orlando is not allowed in the lap pool.

On the topic of the dress code, if the gym is going to have one it needs to be enforced. Mitchell does jumping jacks in a tank top that says “FLAUNT IT LIKE U GOT IT” and is four sizes too small. This is totally disgusting irrespective of my decision to use the elliptical in a thong leotard. I tried having a respectful discussion about how gross he was but he just made some confident remark about “self-love.” Look, I do plenty of that in the gym showers but I at least have the decency to put up flyers letting everyone know it’s a medical condition.

Expecting security? You’re in the wrong place, buddy. I borrowed Peter’s alligator loafers to wear in the sauna and the closest anyone came to stopping me was Gary recommending a leather cream. What if a hardened criminal were to waltz in here? Lax surveillance can have real consequences and to demonstrate I also took four hundred dollars from Melissa and the Hermès clutch I found it in. Seriously, if we don’t start watching each other’s backs I’ll have to load the rest of the free weights into Rhonda’s Lexus, whose anti-theft system is even weaker than the gym’s.

I know what you're thinking, that there’s an obvious reason people are dropping from this place like flies. I'm inclined to agree, so let’s just say it: The management is horrendous. Last week, I threw a kettle ball through the skylight and didn’t tell anyone and you know what? Not a single staff member bothered to sweep up the glass and Monique had to get twenty-seven stitches in her feet. Let’s see how the suits like the taste of blood on their nonexistent consciences. Now we’ve got raccoons crawling in at night and pilfering chocolate power bars from the vending machines. I’ll bet the savages upstairs don’t even care that the only form of sustenance left is lemon flavored which is basically the same as poop flavored which is basically the same as starving us in a death camp.

The only sensible decision at that point was to return to my old gym, which oddly enough had the exact same problems. Nonetheless, I was excited to see that everyone who’d left had, during my absence, returned.