Making adult friends can be difficult. Say you’ve just moved to a new city and you’re having trouble meeting new people. Or maybe you chose to commit every waking moment of your early life to furthering your career and have now lost the ability to make a real human connection. Or maybe you’ve lived in the same neighborhood for your entire life but you just have this weird thing on your face and it really puts folks off.
Well, whatever your skin situation is, I’m here to help. Welcome to my REAL guide for REAL friendless folks. I’ve broken the process down into six easy steps that will catapult you into social butterfly status before you even know it!
1. Go outside.
First of all, you have to get out there. That’s right, step into the world! You’re never going to make friends if you spend every night in your zebra onesie watching Doctor Who, eating Papa John’s, and crying until two in the morning. Or maybe you will because, full disclosure: I really can’t claim to know these things.
But ask yourself: are those really the friends you want? Just kidding. The answer will always be no. Emerging from your hermit hole is pretty much the most important thing you can do to make adult friends, and that is why it is the first step of any ultimate friendship recipe.
2. Choose your future-friend.
Now that you’ve left the house to mingle among fellow human souls, your next goal is to find someone to befriend. Who? Literally anyone! That person who stopped you on the street to ask for directions? Yes, let’s go with them! They seemed nice enough, and they didn't point out how weird your face thing is.
When trying to discern “PFFs”, or Potential Future Friends, from a group of strangers, pay close attention to social cues. By asking for directions, this PFF showed you that he is new in town, and therefore might also be looking to make new friends. Now is the time for action!
3. Accelerate bond.
This is an extremely important step. Are you ready to learn one of the biggest secrets about friend making? People become friends by spending time together. I know, it seems like common sense, but this is the key step in turning someone who would be a mere acquaintance into a REAL friend. Ask your new PFF to hang out as soon as possible!
Start small; maybe get a coffee or a drink together to feel out just how compatible you two are. If all goes well, maybe step it up and go out to a meal, or go see a movie together. Congratulations! You’re bonding!!!
Once you’ve established an initial bond, it’s time to take your PFFship to the next level. The easiest way to do this is to share a new experience together. Keep in mind that the more dangerous and exciting it is, the better friends you will be at the end. Now is your chance to get creative! Try skydiving, donating organs together, or walking down the wrong side of town after dark.
Not a big risk-taker? No problem! Feel free to customize your own situation. Try staging a mugging or drug deal gone badly. No matter what you choose, when you and your PFF face these “deadly” threats together, you will experience an intoxicating mix of adrenaline and fear that will make your time with each other especially memorable and bring you even closer together!
4. Be there.
This is crucial. You don’t want your newly established extremely fragile friendship bond to fizzle out! The next step is to be there at all times. Think of it this way: the more time you spend with your friend, the less time they have to spend “choosing” to hang out with you.
This is going to require a bit of research on your part. Find out what they will be doing and where, at every given moment of the day. Now you can schedule times where you can “randomly” bump into your PFF, like when they are on the way home from work, or going to the grocery store. If you have a job, or needy family members, or anything that takes away from the precious time you can be with your friend, it is probably be wise to get out of it. Nothing is more important than creating a lifelong bond.
5. Silence distractions.
At this point, you should be spending almost all of your time with your PFF. Now you may notice that even though you’ve dedicated countless hours to this friendship, your PFF is pulling away and spending more and more time at work, or with people other than yourself. As the ultimate friend, it may be up to you to step in and help your PFF reprioritize. Gaining access to their email, phone, and social media accounts is a good way to begin creating a buffer zone between your PFF and the outside world.
Pro tip: When you’re searching through their work assignments, voice messages, and social invitations, make sure to delete anything that will cause your friend to place attention on anything but strengthening your relationship. This extremely crucial step, coupled with our previously established strategy of always being there, will ensure that your friend understands how wonderful the friendship you provide can be.
6. Get away.
Once all distractions have been eliminated, find a space for you and your friend to “get away from it all.” It’ll be like a honeymoon, but for friends! Make sure to choose a location that’s free of environmental distractions or potential witnesses. Convincing your friend to accompany you to your home away from home should be pretty easy, but if for some reason they show reluctance, it probably means that they’re so stressed by all the other people and things in their life that they can’t even see the truth of how peaceful and amazing it would be to run away together.
Scrounge up a sedative to really calm them down. Once your PFF is out cold, utilize the trunk of a car to create a relaxing, cocoon-like atmosphere for them to wake up to while you drive to your secure getaway location. Before taking off, be sure to collect any gadgets that might be distracting to your friend when they wake up, like cell phones or tablet computers.
Once you and your friend are isolated, continue to follow the “Be there” strategy. Now that there are absolutely no distractions, you and your friend can spend every waking second with each other! You may find that you need to use restraining elements if your friend becomes too consumed with frenzy about getting back to their “real life.” Make sure you tell your friend how much they mean to you. Compliment them, let them know that they are a special person, and cannot be replaced by anyone else. Tell them that you hope to be friends with them for a long time, hopefully forever!!!
You did it! You’ve completed our “REAL Ultimate Guide to Making Adult Friends.”
Now, you might be thinking that this isn’t how friendships look in all the movies you’ve ever seen and books you’ve ever read. But ask yourself: have you succeeded in making friends any other way?
The truth is, REAL friendships take work. Hollywood glamorizes friend making, making them seem like picture perfect “friendship at first sight” scenarios but in the real world this is unfortunately almost never the case. That’s why we have created this REAL Ultimate Friendship guide. Once you apply our tried and true method, you will see just how easy it is to make a lifelong friend!
Now go forth and live happily ever after: just you, your new best friend, and that weird thing on your face.