So, you've finally decided to make your Twitter account public! You've been waiting for this day. You're good at tweeting. You don't subtweet unless it's really funny. You've really elevated the platform beyond, “constant Facebook statuses.” Plus, you like to keep it real. You don't fall into the cliched trappings of stuff like “Politics Twitter” or “Sports Twitter.”
Now that you've decided to go public, here's what to expect, you future Twitter celebrity!
1. The Thrill
You've finally made the change and finally, your tweets are public. Even opening the Twitter app sends chills down your spine—it's only a matter of time before you get low-key, maybe even high-key, Twitter Famous.
Whoa, a Reese Witherspoon fan account just faved your tweet about Reese cleaning her own Hollywood Walk of Fame Star. The people are noticing your tweeting talents.
Don't let your peers bring you down. Who cares that your friend Gabby just got 15 faves for a tweet about how Donald Trump continuously spits in the face of democracy at every turn? You sure don't!
2. The Weird, Creepy Follower
You have a new follower! Going public is already paying dividends.
Oh no, it's a guy who tweets at women asking for pictures of their feet. Why'd he follow you? He must have seen your super down-to-earth tweet about how you've never understood what the best way to clip your toenails is (“over a trash can? into a plastic bag? lol!”)
Well, now that your Twitter is public, I guess you're going to have to block him or just let this foot-guy follow you forever. It's a big decision. Blocking him would mean losing a follower. And it's not a competition, but you have noticed that your friend Gabby has been picking up some new followers with her whole “Trump sucks” schtick. And look, you know he sucks too, it's just so boring to keep saying it, Gabby.
Maybe let the foot-guy keep following.
3. Mourning the Hilarious Thread of Tweets That Goes Inexplicably Unnoticed
You went off in a thread about how Risky Business doesn't hold up. It was hilarious, but it looks like no one really noticed. That's pretty surprising to you since everyone's seen Risky Business.
It's a great thread. Your observation that a Princeton interviewer would probably have a moral obligation to call the police on Tom Cruise in 2018 and not give him a spot in the incoming freshman class is both universal and niche.
And no one retweeted? Even with so many perfectly curated gifs of Tom Cruise dancing?
Well, it's probably just an aberration with the Twitter algorithm. Probably the same aberration that got Gabby so many RTs on her thread about how Donald Trump's presidency is rotting the moral core of our nation. Don't worry about Gabby. You'll get 'em with the next thread.
4. Follower Stagnation Leads To Bitter Resentment
It seems you've somehow lost followers. How can that be? Literally anyone can follow you—Russian bots can follow you—and still, no one has?
It's been eight months and the only person of note who's followed you is that guy you slept with from your co-working space. And he doesn't even fave your tweets unless they're about dropping crumbs on your cleavage.
Why doesn't anyone see your genius? And less importantly but still kind of relevant, why does everyone keep faving Gabby's tweets when she hashtags “NotMyPresident?” At this rate you're never going to be Twitter famous!
Everyone sucks! Especially Gabby!
5. Total Radicalization
You figured it out. You figured out how to get followers.
Congratulations and welcome to our family of people tweeting earnestly about hating the Trump administration. At first, you tried to keep your Twitter light and fun. So many people were already tweeting about the president, why should you? You just wanted to talk about that time that you opened a yogurt and a little bit of it sprayed on you right before you had a big presentation at work. Light stuff! Fun stuff!
But not anymore. Now you're here to say that Donald Trump has destroyed the ethical integrity of the highest office in the land #NotMyPresident #NotMyCheeto #AmericaWasAlreadyGreat. Oh look, a retweet from Gabby. Maybe she's not so bad.
God, I'm bored listening to us already.