By contributing writer J.M. Lucci

The summer semester is in full swing at the majority of America’s colleges, and every year a small minority of masochist students return to their academic stomping grounds in search of tasty course credits. I like to dip my credits in caviar and nibble on them, savoring the educational aromas and spices.

Unfortunately, the social life is a bit lacking compared to the regular semesters. Studying still only takes a few minutes, however, so you’ll have to find ways to pass the time, preferably in an entertaining manner. I’ve listed a few broad subjects of decent entertainment value for you to do while you waste away these dog days of summer locked in a dorm.

Go to class.

I wouldn’t really consider this a voluntary deal, seeing as attendance becomes serious grounds for failure during summer courses. Luckily, the only motivation you’ll need to attend is a few dozen alarm clocks aimed at your head and a “morning person” to come by and pound on your door around 8AM every day.

Just like in high school, college summer courses are the best way to score easy credits with the minimum of time and effort required. In the fall and spring, the normal classroom routine is to bring your laptop, pretend to take notes, and fail the exams. In the summer, replace “fail” with “show that bastard lovechild of ink and pulp who’s the boss now.” Bitch.

Instead of summer program brochures advertising trite rhetoric such as:

Blarg University’s summer semester offers condensed-format classes in a high-energy environment that educates and challenges students to their fullest potential…

They should really read:

Do you hate reading, but like to pretend the contrary?
Can you fill in small bubbles with a pencil?
Is sitting in a single room all day your cup of tea?
Then Blarg University has the collegiate summer program for you!

Breathing is harder than the coursework required for most summer courses. Even more so if you’re taking business or accounting classes, where the prerequisites are a pulse and a hand.

Drink (heavily) at the local dive bar.

Redundant I know, but nothing says “cool” like a frosty mug of beer after a “hard” day of mental work. There are less college-aged patrons to mingle among, but there is also a shortage of assclowns dropping five bucks worth of “Living on a Prayer” into the jukebox. Give and take, as the saying goes.

Break the law.

Nobody gives two shits, much less one, during summer school. The police, the RAs, surrounding townsfolk, other students—none of them care about anything. Short of a felony, you can pretty much roam free in college towns without police interference. Shoot fireworks off in the dormitory halls to celebrate the warm weather and display your patriotism. Do donuts in the parking lot. Race around the countryside, jumping hay bales in your orange muscle car. Build a potato cannon and launch carb-bombs across the Quad with your buddies. Hell, build two and start a carb-war. The ladies love it.

If you were able to get away with it during the regular year, you will definitely be getting away with it during the summer semester.

Build up your stable.

Like the way that guy or gal looks as they glide through the summer breeze, their bathing suit glistening with cool water from a recent foray at the campus pool? Hit that. Hit it hard and fast. If you’re returning in the fall, it’s best to build a reputable stable of booty while the competition is back home porking whatever bar-trash they managed to pick up at last call.

Come fall semester, if you didn’t outright suck in the sack, you’ll already have established connections with enough booty to last a few weeks, if not months, putting you well ahead of the returning competition.

Collect pornography.

Sometimes, there just aren’t enough sexually-willing partners available during these dog days of summer school. And, if you have computer-proficient parents, downloading at home becomes precarious. Make due by stocking up on a wide assortment of adult cinematic adventures with the trusty aid of your college’s unlimited bandwidth. I recommend the adventure-thriller “omg lesbians suck cunt dildos then dude dong huge fadonks lolita facial peter north style cum party 7.avi” for the connoisseurs out there. With a title like that, it must have something for everyone.

Get a part-time job.

Not a common occurrence normally, and by no means worth the paper paid, but this gives you something to bitch to your friends about while you’re at the dive bar in the evenings. Otherwise, you’ll just be discussing the weather, and I don’t want anyone to give the sun any more attention than it already gets during this season.

Go on Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew adventures!

You know you read these books for that Pizza Hut scam called “Book-It.” You daydreamed of taking down a Lithuanian diamond smuggling operation conveniently located behind the local grocery store. You have a few dusty copies of these great works stacked under your bed at home; prepare to dust them off.

The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew always knew how to throw down, and the summer is the perfect time to live out lost childhood fantasies. Stir up trouble at the local police station by demanding an investigation into local grocers’ ethnicities and past affiliations without any tangible evidence they might be diamond smugglers. Then, against the advice of your sage relatives and the lead detective on the case, embark into the night with only your flashlight and your courage to take down those dastardly diamond smugglers!

Sneak (break a window) into the smugglers’ secret headquarters (suburban home), collect physical evidence (cash, bearer bonds, a DVD player) and then blow up their secret headquarters with the TNT they (you) stashed (planted) in the basement as you make your escape. When the cavalry (police) arrives, act all arrogant yet humble as you present the evidence (the wife’s jewelry) to the flustered (pissed off) detective on duty. Walk away (get arrested), triumphant that you locked up (killed) an evil syndicate of criminals (Mom, Dad, two kids, and the dog).

This list is by no means the end-all of possibilities for your summer semester doldrums. For instance, just adding alcohol to your potato cannon escapades can add new perspectives to the event.

You didn’t hear this from me, but letting the air out of campus police cruisers is hit-the-ground-running hilarious. Remember, just the front driver and rear passenger tires. You didn’t hear it from me.