English is a living language—I accept this fact. There is a good reason we aren't discovering the Latin slang for "swag" or "YOLO": the language is dead, no longer spoken, and no longer changing. To be honest, based on those two words, I'd venture to guess that Latin is grateful to be dead. Even in a ridiculous scenario, where languages had an afterlife, I bet Latin would be perpetually tortured for eternity, surrounded by brimstone and fire, and the entire time it would grin as the demons raped it thinking, "Well, fuck, at least no one is using me to say ‘swag.'"

Languages, as long as they are spoken, develop, grow, and change. It is truly a beautiful thing. That we can discover new ways to express ourselves and communicate is something that should never be underestimated, but should also be respected.

I'm not against the evolution of the language, but if you want to create and change the language you're speaking, FUCKING LEARN TO SPEAK IT FIRST! Before I launch into a vitriolic diatribe peppered with profanity and offensive metaphors, I need to admit something. There are many well-read individuals—remarkably intelligent individuals—who would find my overuse, or any use at all, of profanity an indication of poor breeding, lack of education, and general overall undesirability as a person with whom to communicate. I accept this fact, but this is MY article and goddammit I'm going after the motherfuckers who are raping the language I love right in front of me.

I'll freely admit that English has some questionable elements. "Their," "there," and "they're." "Dessert" and "desert," and innumerable other words that sound the same but mean entirely different things. Let's not even get into the dumbasses who refuse to learn how to properly use those words but fucking created MORE! "Phat"?! Are you fucking kidding me?! You just fucking typed "I wish I could be their," and now you want to pile on layers of confusion with unnecessarily outdated slang?! You fucking jackass!

I'm not against the evolution of the language (in general), but if you want to create and change the language you're speaking, FUCKING LEARN TO SPEAK IT FIRST! You know why we still, to this day, use words that Shakespeare just pulled out of his ass? Because the man was fucking brilliantly eloquent and had a borderline unheard mastery of the language. When he noticed a deficiency he fixed it, and THAT is how a language should grow. Years ago the words "quarks" and "gluons" were just gibberish, but then we discovered those particles and gave them names. THAT is how a language should grow.

You know what ISN'T a deficiency? Your lazy ass not feeling like typing the word "beverage." Before we move on let's also touch on the fact that I just said "type." You're not fucking writing a letter you lazy piece of shit, you're tapping on an incredible piece of technology that FINISHES WORDS FOR YOU! You don't even need to know how to spell. Do you know ANYONE who can spell "definitely" properly without autocorrect? You don't, I promise.

Anyway, back to the beverages thing, I saw an update on Facebook the other day that used the word "BEVIE"!!! WHAT?! "Who wants to get a bevie with me?" FUCKING NO ONE! You missing-chromosome, overdeveloped-brow, drooling mongoloid. How valuable are your calories?! Are you wasting away as you type that pathetic plea for attention? Probably not. You're just a lazy piece of shit. So stop it. You're not helping anyone, you're not saving anyone time, and you're growing my aneurysm daily.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.