Relationships

Tag: Relationships

While everyone is looking at your waving hand, use your other hand to reach into your pocket for the smoke pellet you keep for situations like this.

Not one of you has had to pelt us with birdseed to send us off on a week-long Belizean sexfest. We’ll settle for a fancy waste receptacle.

“Oh. Well, I could try to grow a beard?” the Beast offers. “It’s just that it usually comes in kind of patchy."

We simply want to take our committed relationship and invite in the chaotic meaninglessness of a vast and expanding universe.

I'll be honest, I expected to hate you. I thought our relationship would be filled with searing pain, occasional blood, and lots of tears.

I don't want to keep this depression seasonal anymore. I’m ready to be your year-round crisis.

Life is never blue when I’m with you. P.S. What’s blue?

I hope you’re walking somewhere along the western coast of the United States and that you find this bottle before our wedding on Thursday.

Regarding Alert 4, "Hurricane Steve Who Can't Keep It In His Pants" will not make landfall anytime soon.

Sorry. This is awkward. We, uh, you know. On a raft? That was also a car? That you drove straight into the water?

I think the last person to see it was our tour guide, Henrik. Please respond with his phone number. Or Instagram works too.

I want you to unzip that undersized bag of dried sweet potato jerky and peel it apart... Use your teeth baby, too stale?