Hello, I'm Dr. Tickles, and I thank you for coming to Memorialwood Area Hospital. You keep my bathtub filled with money, patients like you. I'd almost say I love you, except that I don't love anything or anyone, except prostitutes and heroin.

But enough about giant babies filled with candy. This is about you. And unfortunately I have some bad news regarding your condition, you sexy octopus, you.

You appear to have Stage 2 Alzheimer's. It's not fatal, but you are going to forget little things like what you went to the grocery store for, the names of every representative currently serving in the House of Representatives, and where you live. Also, sometimes you'll forget your own name. Just remember, it's Mary. Or Ed. Or Herbert. Or Gertrude.

The main feature of Alzheimer's is in fact memory loss. Since Alzheimer's affects memory negatively, you most likely won't remember a thing I say in this letter.

So let me take this opportunity to reveal my true feelings I've been keeping bottled up about the elderly. Of course, I'll pepper this informational medical letter with the occasional paragraph containing factual and helpful information about Alzheimer's disease (which you'll also forget).

Old people (I hesitate to call you "people"): You are the grubbiest, most sniveling creatures I have ever laid my eyes upon. You smell. You're an extremely ugly eyesore. You're always cold. Your skin is shriveling, you're wrinkly, you look like a fruit's asshole. I hate you. You don't understand any technology. Fuck.

You guys are like vultures. You collect our money and you complain about everything! Get a fucking job!

Alzheimer's is an indiscriminate disease, meaning it affects young and old, rich and poor, white and Caucasian. Sometimes babies come out of the womb not knowing their name and unaware of where they live or their surroundings. This is called Advanced Alzheimer's.

Alzheimer's Helmet
"Good news, Mr. Peterson! Our newest scientist, Barbie Q. Pitt, has developed a special helmet to treat Alzheimer's!"
You guys make me sick. Dentures are disgusting. Fake hair is disgusting. Shitting your pants is disgusting. You can't drive. Everything about you is fake, from your teeth to your hair to your love. You're hideous creatures. If the Devil was a human, he'd look exactly like you. You shrieking fucking repulsive vultures. God fucking damn it, I hate you. I hope Hitler rises from the dead to carry out a Holocaust of all old people. Nobody would oppose it.

Alzheimer's is a terrible disease, but you can learn to live with it. Talk to your doctor about treatment options and therapy. He will explain to you current available medical procedures and medications that can help you retain most of your memory. There is hope.

There is no hope you nauseating witches. You humpback scavengers. Why do you guys have hearing aids if you still can't hear anything? Stop asking me "what?" I fucking hate you. Don't talk to me. Don't even look at me. Fuck you. Yeah, look away. Don't you dare fucking look near me!

We're here to care for you! So don't hesitate to talk to any of our doctors, nurses, receptionists, and other medical experts. We are more than willing to talk to you about Alzheimer's and answer any questions you may have. You mean a lot to us, and we want to make your life as good as it can be.

Fuck you. I'm going to fucking kill all of you.