Hey, guys. Can we pause for a second? I’m glad we’re having fun and all, but something isn’t sitting right with me. Does no one else here give a flying fuck about winning?

If you aren’t going to put your neck on the line, we may as well be doing the crossword, or, I dunno, coloring a wittle picture. How about we all start acting like adults and take this seriously? Does your heart not beat for your nation (green)? Does it not sing the battle hymns of your people (green)?

Strap in and suit up, motherfuckers, because I came to forge rivalries that can only be resolved in death. I came to build a road so long it could hold your hand and slap your ass at the same time. Above all, I came to indulge in some loaded nachos. Victory demands much of the stomach.

I’ve been hearing a lot of side conversations about Kaley’s date last week, and I’m going to be honest, I don’t give a rat’s ass. If “Bradley from Sweet Green” isn’t approaching from the left flank with a mutually beneficial trade, can it.

Pay close attention to this next move—you might learn something. Yes, it seems illegal at first glance, but one who is as intimately familiar with the rulebook as myself knows how to exploit its gifts. Don’t paint me the villain. You could have done this, too, if only you’d had the foresight to study the game’s many intricacies last night as I had, like a soft and withholding lover.

We had a beautiful night together, she (the game) and I. I know her like you never will. Was that a six? Oh, sorry, a seven. Sometimes I forget how to count, lol.

What’s this? You’re willing to let me keep my roll, even though it technically wasn’t my turn? Your complacency disgusts me. You consider compassion a strength, but in a game of life and death such as this, it is a liability, one I am not afraid to use against you.


Pray all you want but there are no gods here, no men, merely minds. Intellects at war. And my intellect just got two wheat, bitch.

Yes, you’re losing, but why should that mean I have to go easy on you now? Did the great Napoleon ask forgiveness after his decisive victory at the Battle of Austerlitz, with which he secured the fall of the Holy Roman Empire? Did Cain pause with his grip on the rock, inches from Abel? Did Ross and Rachel– Okay, honestly, I haven’t seen Friends. Isn’t that kind of crazy? Anyway, yes, I’ll be taking the remainder of your brick.

Ah! Stealing my resources, are we? At last, a formidable opponent worthy of my time. David seeks to down his Goliath. Keep this up and perhaps I’ll invite you to my all-star league, where we play in the cover of night on the shore of an unnamed beach. Whoever loses must walk into the ocean. It’s a euphemism for “buy everyone a round.”

A nice evasive move, but not evasive enough. While your back was turned, I gathered the wares I require to build a city. And now, well now it is simply too late to stop me. Your names will be forgotten to history, but my victory? My victory is forever. Your children will bear my surname. Your parents will sing my praise. I win! I win! VENI, VIDI, VICI, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Anyway, good game. Silly, really. You guys wanna play Uno?