Clean shirt. New shoes. Silk suit. Black tie.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, these are not merely the beginnings of ZZ Top’s “Sharp Dressed Man.” They are the beginnings of a tragedy.

For on the night in question, my client was clad in all of the above. And with his gold watch and diamond ring he was—in the words of the defense—“missin’ not a single thing.” By all accounts, my client satisfied the legal definition of a sharp dressed man.

And yet, the ladies did not come a-runnin' just as fast as they can. Because as my poor client was about to learn, every girl isn’t crazy about a sharp dressed man. Despite ZZ Top’s repeated statements to the contrary! On record. On the radio. And in concert. Lookin’ sharp and lookin’ for love, my client found only loneliness and sorrow at the grave injustice that befell him.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man.”

This is as malicious a case of false advertising as I have seen in my 40 years of legal practice. Not only because of the false sense of hope peddled to so many by this admittedly entertaining song. But because of the arrogance and callousness ZZ Top has shown in its consistent refusal to provide any evidence to support their assertion that every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man. And I quote: “I don’t need a reason why-y-y.”

Well, ZZ Top, the people of this court do need a reason why-y-y. They need to know why-y-y you have made this claim without any independent testing. Why-y-y, oh why-y-y, did my client, and countless others like him, incur such fabulous expense, only to end their nights with neither the tush nor the legs of which you sing? Why-y-y would you, and how-w-w could you do this to another human being?

I apologize for getting emotional. A trial should only concern the facts. Much as you shouldn’t let your judgment be clouded by my love for my client, so should you not let yourself be blinded by your love for the face-melting solos of ZZ Top’s own Billy Gibbons. The tastiness of the defense’s licks, bodacious as they are, are not on trial here today. What we are trying to ascertain, is whether or not there is reasonable doubt that every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man.

The defense will try to persuade you that every girl is in fact crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man. They will show you convincing music video evidence of a sharp dressed man leaving his house, only for a hot rod to immediately pull up to his doorstep, and three sexy ladies to saunter out and onto the walk. The sexy ladies, who are in workout gear for reasons unexplained and irrelevant to these proceedings, will whisper in his ear. Tussle his hair. And pull him by his tie into a club where they will dance for him, oh so erotically. And as if you weren’t already certain that these women were crazy ‘bout this sharp-dressed man, ZZ Top themselves will be there at the scene to give a thumbs up in the affirmative. In addition to finger guns.

Compelling evidence? Yes. A raw, rockin’ music video? You bet your ass. Definitive proof that every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man? That is your job to determine here today.

But before you do, I would first ask you: Why is that ZZ Top have advocated for gold watches, and diamond rings, cufflinks and stick pins, new shoes, and silk suits when they themselves sport cheap sunglasses, dusty leather duds and footlong beards? Is it because maybe, just maybe, these beloved Texas Rockers—and bona fide babe magnets—know deep down that every girl isn’t crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man?

Thank you.

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