10. Mitch McConnell, Boston Celtics
The Celtics are in desperate need of defense and the “Napping Swamp Turtle” might just be the answer. We’re hesitant to predict whether McConnell’s trademark stonewalling tactics will translate to the NBA, but Celtics coach Brad Stevens assures us “You can’t get anything by this guy. Bills, budgets, court nominees… he’s like a black hole or, in this case, an exceptionally pale white hole”
9. MoviePass Subscription, Sacramento Kings
Kings General Manager Vlade Divac: “Honestly, we’re just sick of players leaving us for greener pastures the first chance they get. We think it’s best if we just take some time off and see whatever movies we want to see, whenever we want to see them, how ever many times we want to see them, with no chance of rejection.”
8. Angry Bagel Man, San Antonio Spurs
A fierce competitor, Angry Bagel Man brings explosive energy to the court. NBA basketball is historically a game of height, but ABM’s uncontrollable rage and penguin-like quickness should make up for what he lacks in stature. His temper and all-around repulsiveness could be a challenge for the Spurs and questions abound about how he will gel with assistant coach Becky Hammon, a well-known tall woman.
7. Season Three of Stranger Things, Chicago Bulls
The Bulls pride themselves on giving fans the best entertainment money can buy, which hasn’t been the case for the past few seasons. This year, instead of rolling out a team of unwatchable role players and past their prime veterans, Chicago has decided to just let fans binge-watch Netflix on the Jumbotron.
UPDATE: Sources are telling us the Bulls have traded Season Three of Stranger Things to the Orlando Magic for Aaron Gordon and six days entry to Disneyland including FASTPASS service and 5 nights stay at the Disneyland Paradise Pier Hotel (does not include admission to Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge)
6. No Free Agent Signings, Toronto Raptors
The Raptors have decided to forgo signing any new players this season and will just place their NBA Finals Championship Trophy at half court during every game for the next five to ten years.
5. Lebron James, Philadelphia 76ers
This is a bold move for the Sixers, as King James is already under contract with the Los Angeles Lakers, but could turn into a coup for the City of Brotherly Love if Lebron is willing to play for two teams at the same time. Sixers General Manager Elton Brand has already outlined a plan for when Philadelphia plays Los Angeles during the season: “Lebron will play the first and third quarters for Los Angeles and the second and fourth quarters for us. Or, we can play 5 on 4 and Lebron just plays offense for whoever has the ball.”
4. Donald Trump, Washington Wizards
“The Wall” has always been an enigmatic player. You never really know what he’s going to do out there. Although Trump’s volatility always has the potential to make a terrible situation worse, Washington can rest a little easier knowing they have the option of terminating his contract in 2020.
3. $100 Amazon Gift Card, New York Knicks
The Knicks swung big and missed bigger during the offseason, striking out on every one of the star free agents they chased. This gift card gives them the hope of attracting premier talent for the 2020-2021 season. The Knicks have also stated they may be willing to offer six months of Amazon Prime free delivery to sweeten the pot (subject to approval by Knicks owner James Dolan) to lure big name players.
2. Spike Lee, Brooklyn Nets
After signing both Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant, the Nets are now using whatever available cap space they have to basically just rub it in.
1. Jared Kushner, Los Angeles Lakers
The Lakers made a big splash when the traded most of their starting lineup to the New Orleans Pelicans for Anthony Davis. With lots of roster spots to fill and little money to spend, Los Angeles had to get creative to fill out their bench. Enter Jared “Oh, I didn’t know you were still here” Kushner. Granted, the Lakers won’t get a lot of minutes out of Kushner, but, as he’s shown in the past he’s more than willing to just sit there and try not to bother anyone. As long as Kushner doesn’t have to speak to the press or do anything at all, this should be the perfect fit for a Lakers team that just wants to fill space.