Tue. Sept. 27, 12:09 PM

Just a reminder you’re booked at La Taverna Bianca for dinner tomorrow. Your table is for 2 at 7:15 PM. To confirm, please reply “confirm”. To cancel, use “cancel”.

Tue. Sept. 27, 3:11 PM

Just following up. You’re booked at La Taverna Bianca for dinner tomorrow. Please reply “confirm” or “cancel” so that we can plan accordingly. Thank you!

Tue. Sept. 27, 6:18 PM

Hi there. You still haven’t confirmed, but you also haven’t canceled, so right now we’re gonna assume you’re coming. Just a heads up though, the uncertainty is kind of messing with some people here. It would really help us out if you could reply “confirm” or “cancel”. Thanks.

Tue. Sept. 27, 8:20 PM

Just FYI: Bruno, our head chef, keeps checking in with the host stand to see if you guys have confirmed or canceled. When they tell him you haven’t done either, he stares at the floor for a while, then paces around the dining room taking slow, deep breaths. Please reply “confirm” or “cancel”.

Tue. Sept. 27, 8:47 PM

Quick update: A few of our diners, unsettled by Bruno’s anxious energy, are now asking the waitstaff if anyone’s heard from you. We’ve been trying to buy you guys some time by saying the WiFi’s down and we can’t load our reservations page, but that ain’t gonna hold for long. Oops—a gentleman just stood up and shouted, “GODDAMMIT, JUST USE MY PERSONAL HOTSPOT AND FIGURE THIS OUT.” The silence right now is deafening. Please reply “confirm” or “cancel”.

Tue. Sept. 27, 10:31 PM

Well, THAT was a night we never want to relive again. Our GM, Caroline, was initially able to calm everyone down by assuring them we’d hear from you soon, but five minutes after that, Bruno exploded out of the kitchen screaming “WHY CAN’T THEY JUST CONFIRM OR CANCEL!” and the whole place went nuts. In the melee, Stavros, our dishwasher, was stabbed and had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. Caroline rode with him, and said that before he lost consciousness, he was asking whether you guys had confirmed or canceled. Please reply “confirm” or “cancel”.

Wed. Sept. 28, 2:25 AM

Apologies for the hour, but we thought you might want to know: Stavros died from his injuries at approximately 1:45 AM.

Please reply “confirm” or “cancel”.

Wed. Sept. 28, 9:00 AM

Good morning. Stavros was Greek, and according to the funeral customs of his family, he will be buried in a simple pine box. Before the funeral, the family will hold a visitation at St. Irene’s Monastery. We would invite you, but that would involve confirming or canceling, and we know that’s not your—shall we say—forte.

Regarding dinner this evening, if you have any decency at all, you’ll cancel. But if you choose to confirm, by god, we’ll seat you. It will take everything that we have, but we’ll seat you. Please reply “confirm” or “cancel”. (That’s for dinner for 2 at La Taverna Bianca, not Stavros’ funeral.)

Wed. Sept. 28, 3:58 PM

Ok. There’s no easy way to say this, so here goes: Bruno is looking for you. You should stay home, and if for some reason you must go out, you should be armed. He stormed out of here 10 minutes ago carrying a butcher knife, an immersion blender, and several extremely sharp prongs. Please reply “confirm” or “cancel”.

Wed. Sept. 28, 5:11 PM

Well, well, well. You certainly like to live on the edge, don’t you, you sick bastard? If you think you’re just going to stroll in here tonight and get a seat by the window, or at a corner table, then you’re even more of a monster than everyone here already thinks you are. For the love of god, wherever you are, do not come near this place.

Wed. Sept. 28, 6:13 PM

Thanks for confirming! Your reservation at La Taverna Bianca is for 2 at 7:15 PM. We look forward to welcoming you.