Hello there, and thank you for tuning into the WTF Weather Station, where we pride ourselves on bringing you the most up-to-date, super general, and often terrifying forecasts. Let’s go ahead and take a gander at your upcoming week, shall we?

For everyone who declared winter officially over after the eleventh blizzard in May, looks like Blizzard Zihuatanejo didn’t get that memo. Sorry about that, folks. It’s almost as if the weather doesn’t care how much you wish it was spring already. I know, I’m shocked too.

With this monster storm about to collide with that high-pressure system you see straddling the Midwest right now, you can expect wind gusts of anywhere from 12 to 160 mph all along the eastern seaboard. And no, I don’t think I can be more specific. Our wind guy is on vacation, and I just don’t have the meteorological background to figure that out. Hope that’s okay…

There will also be a whole lot of snow or ice or whatever, so if you live anywhere in the north or southeast regions of the country, you should probably just stay inside this week. If you want to know exactly how many feet of snow your area can expect, add up the amounts from the last 11 snowstorms, divide that number by eleven, and whatever you get is a good guess. Simple math, right? Perfect, glad you could figure that one out all on your own.

In terms of temperatures over the next couple weeks (even though I’m pretty sure I already covered this), it’s going to remain freezing. What can I say, I guess the universe doesn’t want you to wear open-toed sandals to your husband’s ex-girlfriend’s wedding, which is definitely a smart move anyway, because, between us, your toes could use some attention.

Oh, I’m sorry, were you looking for more specifics on how cold it’s going to be? Happy to provide that information! It’s going to be so cold that when guys randomly spit on the sidewalk for no reason, it’ll freeze immediately, causing anyone walking behind them to fall and break their leg because they were too busy tweeting about the crappy weather to look where they were going. That cold enough for you?

Now let’s take a closer look at your current weather. For those of you who can’t bring yourselves to go outside and get a sense of it by feeling the air with your skin like everyone was perfectly capable of doing before there were smartphones and computers and televisions, it’s 29 degrees and sleeting.

Seems like some of you Twitter-savvy viewers are wondering what that big-ass jet stream is doing barreling through the country right now. Honestly, folks, I’m running out of steam. Let’s just assume it’s hauling a ton of precipitation that’s going to set your morning commute back by at least an hour, m’kay?

Hmm…we’re getting reports saying superstorm Ylang Ylang that blew half of Disney World into the Atlantic last week is circling back around and on track to converge with said big-ass jet stream. That’s… unusual. Welp, how about we name it Gargantuan Dickhead-Storm Jeremy after my ex who cheated on me six times, and you’ll have some idea of the kind of physical and emotional destruction you’re in for.

If you don’t already have rain boots, now’s the perfect time to snag a cute pair. Better safe than sorry!

Oh and don’t think I forgot we’ve got a holiday weekend coming up! For those of you who are planning on celebrating outside with family and friends, there’s a 50/50 chance your plans will be shot to hell due to inclement weather. However, those of you who’ve chosen to spend the holiday indoors, because the weather is now as predictable as my sanity after I spend an hour explaining to my mother how to copy and paste web URLs, you’ve made the right call.

Finally, let’s take a look at our international weather for all you lucky ducks who’re able to afford cross-continental trips without forgoing health care for two months.

Due to Mount Nuovo and Mount Etna erupting simultaneously, Italy, France, and Spain are all experiencing ash-fueled superstorms that are expected to last…three to seven days? Somewhere in that ballpark. Since no one’s seen anything like this before, we have no recommendations for how to prepare. Maybe just stay inside and don’t open any windows or turn on air conditioners?

I don’t know—buy a snazzy air filtration mask and pretend like you’re on vacay in China until further notice. See? There’s a rainbow in every suffocating storm!

South of the Equator, record heat waves have settled over parts of Africa, India, and South America, so you should probably postpone any elaborate trips or safaris. But hey, definitely keep those cargo Bermuda shorts, because they make an interesting statement!

That’s it for now from all of us here at WTF weather! Until next time, keep sunscreen, rain gear, and snow boots on you at all times, and try not to stand too close to any unstable structures. Unless your name is Jeremy.

Happy weekend!