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Learn from the mistakes of the tormented souls you will see on this tour of Internet Hell, or risk paying your next visit not as a guest, but with an account.
It’s difficult to argue a case for celebrities: why we need them, what good they do, and why we shouldn’t rummage through their bins and sniff their dirty underwear.
The bartender on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights is my best friend. So it would be irresponsible to waste an opportunity for 33% off drinks, RIGHT?!
Listen Admiral Ackbar, we all agree you're doing a super job as admiral, but we'd appreciate it if you could stop yelling "It's a trap!" for the rest of the hunting trip.
I twist nicknames into erotica. I randomly default to German. I'm a quirky invisible playmate. I graduated college with a major AND a minor. I rule your iPhone.
Birthdays used to be milestones I looked forward to; now they’re just reminders of everything I haven’t accomplished, even though I’m 1/3 of the way dead.
When I was 14, I WAS a wrestling superstar. I was “Blade” in my own wrestling federation, FWC. But I'm 27 now, and let's face it, I'll probably never wear a gold belt.
Everybody breaks down eventually, Tiger. Welcome to life as most of us know it: strugglers, not great at what we do, practicers but not masters.
Dear Crimson Caricatures, long-time fan and former face owner. That's right, your first song's guitar solo melted my face clean off my skull.
Canada's main exports are wind, geese who shit constantly but only on golf courses, and overly-polite white people. Their main imports are American tourist gamblers.
The @ and # symbols should find another world to confuse. Tweet about this and include #everybody @ planet Earth. You will get retweeted. But don’t expect any Likes.
Test questions for every age group, starting with ones like, "If you were going to get eaten by an animal, which animal would you want to get eaten by? Explain."