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This week’s tarantula would have proven less challenging if we had found it straight away, rather than four hours later during Tina’s sleepover.
What if I told you that I’ve got four laptop computers on my person at this very moment? Because that’s the reality of the situation.
Your dentist is crying in the corner of the room and refusing to finish fixing those busted-up, tic-tac-lookin’ mother effers that you call teeth.
Before writing me off as some vengeful psycho, consider that this little dog thought it was funny to lick Lucy’s face without her consent.
I speculate that these images date back to the early 2010s, based on the woman’s dramatic side bangs and orange tribal body painting.
Don't cry in a work bathroom---a co-worker or boss might see your shoes, hear you crying, and think you poop too hard.
I bought him that can opener as a gift to use on Boy Scout trips and he mocks me by spelling swears in alphabet soup on our counter!
28. Accidentally get poo on your fingers. 29. Question how humankind can get a person on the moon but can’t develop a less primitive way to procure stool samples.
Who gets to determine when a novel starts and ends in this postmodern age that you would understand if you had read the first six pages too.
Everyone knows I’m a patriot, but being eaten by a pack of mega-wolves with no natural predators ain’t exactly dying for your country.
Somebody will watch in confusion as a frustrated Jim Carrey thrusts his torso to explain where the parking garage’s car elevator will go.
Good manners are expected at all times. That means always saying “please,” “thank you,” and “our mother made a terrible mistake not baptizing us.”