“Tanning gummies are chewable supplements that deliver plant pigments—carotenoids such as beta-carotene, astaxanthin, and lycopene—into your skin from the inside out.” —California Business Journal

Dear Valued Customer,

Thank you for being a monthly subscriber of Gummy Supplements, Inc.

We hope you’re enjoying your recent orders of: Hair & Nails Gummies, Turmeric Gummies, Collagen Gummies, Metabolism Gummies, Energy Gummies, Sleep Gummies, Mood Enhancing Gummies, Peptide Gummies, Immunity Gummies, Alphabet Gummies (A, B, C, D, E, K, Z), Probiotic Gummies, Prebiotic Gummies, Antibiotic Gummies, Biotic Gummies, Bionic Gummies, Superfood Gummies, and Averagefood Gummies.

You are doing a fantastic job taking care of yourself! But now let’s talk about your hue.

Are you too pale? Yes, you are. We don’t even need to look at you; we can tell by your order history. Fortunately, the proprietary formula in our new Tanning Gummies can give you the warm glow of the sun-kissed skin you’ve always wanted, so that you are not only healthy on the inside (from all the gummies you’re consuming), but also look healthy on the outside, which is arguably more important.

Tanning Gummies are an easy addition to your current gummy routine and your Triple Platinum Member subscription. Take three of our Tanning Gummies, five times a day, exactly 45 minutes before the Creatine Gummy, 37 minutes after the Brain Function Gummy, but never at the same time as the Fiber Gummy. Before you know it (in four to twelve weeks to be exact), all of your friends will be asking about your perfect golden tint. And you never even have to step outdoors. It’s a dream come true if your dream is never to step outdoors.

The luscious amber tone of your skin may appear orange in certain light (like in daylight), but don’t worry, that’s totally normal. Remember when your mom’s friend went on a health kick and drank only carrot juice for a month and her skin turned orange? That’s just an anecdote we wanted to share; it’s not at all the exact proprietary formula of our Tanning Gummies. That would be insane.

But remember, the sun-kissed look is not advised year-round; it will pose too many questions. Questions like, “Why do you look like the inside of a cantaloupe in December?” So, come fall, we recommend switching from the Tanning Gummies to our proprietary Untanning Gummies.

Untanning Gummies are easy to add to your daily routine and your subscription. Just take six gummies, seven times a day, and you will slowly revert from the bronze hue back to your standard, pale-greenish tint (likely due to the Superfood Gummies) until you’re ready for the gilded tones of summer again. You must take the Untanning Gummy three-and-a-half hours before the Calming Gummy, seven minutes after the Focus Gummy, and never at the same time as the Metabolism Boosting Waist Line Reducing Skin Invigorating Gummy, which we should’ve recalled in ‘99.

And if in the middle of winter you feel like pretending you went on a tropical getaway, switch your order back to the Tanning Gummies, and just like that (or, more precisely, in four to twelve weeks), you will be wowing everyone with your copper tone without needing any Coppertone. Your secret is safe with us. Like the secret that our Untanning Gummies are actually the clear Haribo Goldenbears because the only possible way to reverse the effect of the Tanning Gummies is time.

Speaking of time, have we told you about our Hyaluronic Gummies? We don’t know how to pronounce it or what “hyaluronic” means, but you should probably be putting it inside your body for anti-aging because aging is bad and we need to stop it at all costs. And speaking of costs, this is a quick and easy addition to your subscription. We’ve already been charging you for them for the past six months.

Please remember our slogan: Do NOT call your doctor to find out which supplements should not be taken together. They are much too busy for such silly questions. Since supplements are not regulated by the FDA, you can and should take them all!*

Thank you for being a loyal subscriber to Gummy Supplements, Inc. Here’s to your health inside, but mostly out.

*If your hue is already orange and you’re taking Turmeric Gummies but haven’t yet started the Tanning Gummies, maybe do call your doctor.