“After offering a glimpse of Mads Mikkelsen's dark wizard Grindelwald in a tantalizing teaser just days ago, Warner Bros. has conjured up the first full trailer for the third Fantastic Beasts movie…On Sunday, a day before the Secrets of Dumbledore trailer release, [JK Rowling] commented on Twitter about an article published by The Sunday Times about Police Scotland allegedly moving to “record rapes by offenders with male genitalia as being committed by a woman if the attacker ‘identifies as a female.'” “War is Peace. Freedom is Slavery. Ignorance is Strength. The Penised Individual Who Raped You Is a Woman,” Rowling tweeted.”
We here at Warner Bros. are over the moon about the glowing response to the recent and not-at-all emergency release of the first trailer for Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore. We’re so excited to welcome you back to the world of Harry Potter, and even more excited that we basically had this trailer in our back pocket ready to go in case JK Rowling decided to kick off an ill-timed news cycle by tweeting another awful thing about trans people.
But that’s not all, Potterheads! Here are some other fantastic offerings we are thrilled to be able to provide you if you would only forget you ever saw any of Rowling’s hateful and wholly uncalled-for tweets.
You want more video content? We got you! We shot a whole movie, we can keep the trailers flowing all day. Maybe seeing more footage of beloved characters like Dumbledore and Grindelwald (you love Grindelwald by now, right?) will keep you distracted from the frequent anti-trans missives Rowling puts forth on her Twitter feed. Also from the fact we had to recast Johnny Depp.
Non-stop Harry Potter marathons on TV
We can make a cable channel that has nothing but Harry Potter movies playing all day long. Would you like that? We can do that for you. We’re Warner Bros., we can do anything… except, as we’re learning, make the creator of one of our most valuable properties stop using her considerable platform to attack a vulnerable group of people. That one’s a work in progress.
International Wizarding Day of No Technology
In our opinion, one of the most magical aspects of the Harry Potter universe is that none of the witches or wizards use 21st-century technology. They use broomsticks instead of airplanes, and Owl Post instead of tweets we wish to God they would stop posting. So Warner Bros. is proud to introduce International Wizarding Day of No Technology, a brand new celebration in which all Harry Potter fans make like their favorite Hogwarts students and refrain from using their phones, computers, and other modern technology while we figure out how to get a handle on this PR nightmare. And how convenient: the inaugural IWDoNT is tomorrow. Better log off now!
Free passes to Harry Potter World
You heard right: free tickets to our theme park in Orlando! Have a blast exploring Hogwarts, Diagon Alley, and more iconic locations from your favorite books. You’ll be having so much fun you’ll completely forget to comment under the Fantastic Beasts trailer with a link to GLAAD’s webpage detailing Rowling’s legacy of anti-trans rhetoric. Butterbeers on us!
We’ll send actors from the movies to your home
Ever wanted to meet Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, or Emma Watson? Well, it’s your lucky day! We’ll ship these actors directly to your door, where you can nerd out to your heart’s content while they attempt to locate and destroy all of your Internet-enabled devices.
We’ll wipe your memory with an “Obliviate Charm”
Experience a Harry Potter spell for yourself at any of the dozens of “Obliviation Centers” we are frantically opening up across the country. Sit back, relax, and hum Hedwig’s Theme backwards while our trained wizarding specialists go to town on your hippocampus (it’s really more of an experimental electroshock treatment than an actual Obliviate Charm, but close enough!) You’ll wake up feeling like you’ve just had the most magical experience of your life—and like you can’t remember why everyone was all worked up about the nice English lady who wrote Harry Potter.
An eighth Harry Potter book
What if we promised you a brand-new, canonical entry into the life of Harry Potter and his friends? Not a weird two-part stage play you won’t see, but an honest-to-god new novel? How could you say no?
Oh, by remembering that the books were written by a billionaire who can’t seem to find anything better to do these days than post online rants against an already marginalized population? And that now that you think about it, while her worldbuilding and plotting skills are great, there’s actually nothing special about the writing, and that maybe you were just exactly the right, impressionable age to form an emotional bond with those books when they came out? And that maybe, now that you’re an adult, you can find something better to read than a book written by an outspoken transphobe who has also been accused of anti-Semitism and supporting gay conversion therapy?
We’ll get back to you on that one.
We’ll bring Dobby back
We’ll literally revive that little fucker if you stop letting JK Rowling’s harmful opinions prevent you from spending money on products that enrich us and her.
Come on. Do it for the Dobster.