Good’morrow to you all. A most gracious welcome to my webbing page. I am Keithly. Behold my rump.

As requested by my adoring aficionados, today I am wearing only the skimpiest of loining cloths. See how it sways hither and thither in the stiff Anglican breeze. Shall I be your Tarzan? I will affect my most brutish speech for you. Here goes, ahem, “How about those Red Sox–”

I’m sorry I cannot. I must go flush my mouth.

I have misbehaved, and you would be well within your rights to reprimand me. If you are on this webbing site in search of a good little lad, you had best look elsewhere. I have been known to leave my napkin on the table rather than the chair whilst I visit the powder room. Yes. Further, I once rested my fork with the prongs face up… Although you should know… Face up may or may not necessarily be the manner in which I like to consort… In regards to… Well, you get the picture.

Won’t you bequeath me a farthing tip? If you haven’t got a penny, a ha’penny will do. If you haven’t got a ha’penny, then vanilla content for you! Mayhaps I can entice you by partially removing my loining cloth.

Aha! Most gracious you are for the subbing JaneBennett69! Your beauty is tantamount to a pearl of dew on a willow tit. I flash my bum for thee.

I parade this collection of bespoke tweed member-cozies not because they have remunerated me to do so. Nay! My stalwart fellow knows no truer peace than the time spent within these woolly confines—that is, if I may be so bold, until we meet at last.

Might I remind my newer aficionados that I offer personal texting message chats. Allow me to read but a tasteling: “We are at the Baron’s Ball. Your beauty is the wainscotting of my soul. I kneel and offer you my hand. You take it. For I am a gentleman, it is as soft as the plumage of an evening grosbeak. Softer. Your hand trembles. I place it on my rump. You explode.”

One million subbings! Hark! To celebrate this marked day I shall rest a bowler hat on my ripping Johnson for five, nay, six unimpeded hours! What’s that JaneBennett69? You request I use a topping hat instead? Refuse you, I dare not!

Let me say this: I am nothing if not a gentleman. However, if I find any of my premium content gracing other webbing sites, I will have no choice but to sick my barrister—one Const. Arthur Romblit—on you. His litigiousness is as tireless as my dumper. That is to say, utterly! He will squeeze every last penny from you until your wallet is as thin as the legs on a bar-tailed godwit.

Now, onto the nude waltz.

Your subbing renewals are a went to my chiseled heart; it soars like velvet scoter. Your crediting cards are the grace notes upon the symphony that is my burning love. I twerk not as enticement, but as reward. Regard it.

Yes, well JaneBennett69, that is a new request isn’t it? Whilst the egg-laying fetish was certainly not taught at boarding school, I shall give it the ol’ Eton try! Perhaps my bird-based metaphors are to blame… How right you are Miss Bennett, this rear was built to “Do Work.” To the rest of you, while this may not be your cup of tea, let it be an example of how I am willing to do most anything to please my adoring aficionados. Here we go. Hup to! Oh my.

I offer again my warmest “how-do-you-do” to Mattrick and his aficionados for coming to this colabbing stream. I, Sir Keithly, as well as all the Keithly-stans out there, welcome you. May this union be prosperous and–

Pardon? Be silent Mattrick! Heavens! Why are you behaving thusly! What? Lies! My backside is as natural as a pied-billed grebe, and I have the doctor’s tests to prove it! I don’t understand Mattrick? Did you come here merely to provoke me? Then I have no choice but to defend my honor in a duel! The member-cozy-gauntlet has been thrown! As my second I choose none other than JaneBennett69. Yes. Very well. One pace. Two paces.

AACK! What’s this? Miss Bennett! Et tu! I am struck! Directly in the spleen! Wherefore! Wherefore! Bite your tongue Jane! Mattrick’s rump is nowhere near as comely! And this, after all those eggs I laid for you… Aficionados! Heed my dying wish, do not become Mattrick’s subblings. Honor my memory and the memory of my banger caboose! Do not reward their treachery! O, I am slain!

OnlyAficionados is unable at this time to offer refunds to Keithly’s monthly and annual subscribers; however, they may transfer their subscriptions to another gentleman, such as Mattrick, Dylansworth, or Jakeington at no additional cost.